A Question

How come people I happen to like, like instantly, never like me back?
Not boys I have a crush on. Just... people. boys, girls... Whoever. People I think I could be friends with and then it doesn't happen. I hate that. And it bloody hurts.
OK, I know how this sounds. But honestly, this has got nothing to do with my current state. I have no intention to complain again. I'm getting Better, seriously. This is just something that has been on my mind. Why does that happen? I mean, you think you clicked with someone and they seem to like you and then... poof! it's gone. I wish i had the explanation, that's all.

There's like nothing on TV. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. But there's Roxette on the radio! Aww, the war years and the first foreign group that I loved passionately. I was 10, OK? But do you remember Joyride, She's Got the Look, Big L, Church of Your Heart and, of course, It Must Have Been Love and Listen to Your Heart... I had a huge crush on a 17yr old boy who was their biggest fan or something and as we would hang out, we would always be listening to them. Now you're probably wondering what was a 17yr old doing with a 10yr old. Well, I've always been very very mature. lol It was war time, OK? He was at his aunt's, I was at my granny's, there were dozens of other kids in the street and the age didn't matter at all. My sis was 7-8, some kids were 12 or 15... It was a different time.

Sarcastic? Me?!

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Single Because...

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Picky

You have no problem attracting guys - and even dating a little It's just around second or third date time where you start to see faults If a guy isn't near perfect, you're not into him. It's good to have standards - but yours rule almost everyone out.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

Well, online quizzes are simply always right!

Depressed

I'm feeling so bad. I could literally burst into tears every given moment. I can't even explain it all that well. I'm just... hopeless. Like so many times before. And it seems to me that lately no one talks to me. It might be irrational but I think it's not.
People used to send me text messages. Not many people but a few would do that often. Not anymore. Then online... I'm being ignored most of the time. (I can't believe I'm complaining about people I don't even know. And if you were wondering, I do realise how pathetic and disturbed this sounds.) I even went to the movies last night, thinking watching Oceans's 13 would make me feel better. Thinking just getting out of the house would make me feel better. It didn't.
It's like having a big rock sitting on your chest. I don't feel like having company and I don't feel like being alone. I would like to be distracted somehow but I don't think it's possible. I wish I had friends who would notice me. I wish I didn't have to pretend everything is OK with my family. I mean, I don't have to but it's easier.
I wish I wasn't me.

UPDATE: OK, I cried a lot, talked to mom (she was the only one at hand) and now I have a headache. I'm going to supply me with some chocolate, I have a feeling I'll be needing it.
Phineas, baby, thanks for the e-mail. I began to write a reply but couldn't think of anything to say. I'll get back to it when I get better. YKM, you rock my world.

Note To Cro WM Fans

The Human Stain is going to be on HTV 1 Thursday night at 11.
If you haven't yet, watch it. He takes his clothes off! lol And he did a wonderful job, really.
Don't say you didn't know...

I Failed...

...while embarrassing myself in front of HT by not knowing what I was being asked...
Excuse me while I end this pathetic life of mine.

I Hate My Life

I'm gonna fail the exam tomorrow. I'm gonna flunk the year. I feel like throwing up all the time.
And who says NO when HT offers him/her his cell number (in purely academical purposes)? ME, that's who! *banging head at desk* I couldn't think straight. It was the first time that we ever sort of talked informally. I even addressed him informally (cannot explain that in English since there's no distinction between 2. persons of Sg. and Pl. in English, but there is in Croatian).
Anyway, I'm still hating my life. I am going to fail and I'll never get my degree and I don't wanna live and I wish I wasn't crying right now.
I wish... I don't know... SOMETHING. Some kind of a change, for the better. I wish I had people to talk about this. People who'd understand. People who'd spend time with me. People who'd take me out. People who'd hold me by the hand and just say nothing. I don't know. I am in a very very dark place right now.
And it seems to me like no one cares.


NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!!!!

Wednesday Blabber

I had a written exam this morning and HT was there. OMG, hooot! lol As he walked into the room, Anja and I immediately giggled. We are so not cool. I think I did OK, bu tit makes no difference since the oral part of the exam takes place tomorrow morning at 7am!!!! And this particular professor fails a lot of people so... Not hoping much there. I don't even wanna go.
My life currently officially sucks.
I'm smoking like a chimney. I can't really eat. At least not until dark. I woke up last night, after sleeping an hour maybe, soaking wet. Awful. Stress? Probably.

UPDATE: 9:25pm
I just returned from defending the RSC essay. I got an A!!! Well, so did everyone else, with the exception of one girl, but the professor was like: "So you're second year?" and I said I was first and she went: "First??!" And she said it was really well done and I'm supposed to e-mail it to her so she can save it and I can elaborate it when the time comes and use it as my graduation paper. OMG! She said I was really good at writing. I'm at shock! But a pleasant one.

1996 Theme Song

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: Ironic by Alanis Morisette

It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought ... it figures

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

Surprised, anyone?

Tuesday Nothings

It's really hard to write about ordinary things after my last post. Does silly little problems I have even matter when you look at them with some perspective?
But then, the Earth is still revolving... And I failed an exam. And I failed miserably. But hey, not like I was studying that much. September it is going to be. Then again, I passed Intro to Sociolinguistics, got a B, and I was certain I was going to fail.
All in all, I don't like my life all that much lately. I am seriously stressing out and I don't feel like doing anything. All I wanna do is stare at the ceiling. I think I've had enough of going out and all. Saturday a girl from our group is having a birthday party but I really really don't feel like going.

People are falling in love all around me. They are cute and as I listen to them, I can't seem to stop grinning. It's nice, I suppose, to believe in love. I'm over it but there are still plenty of optimists left in the world. But I'm still gonna stick to my imaginary crushes. So much easier...
As the reruns of PB S1 began to air, I renewed my crush on WM and I'm gonna enjoy it, dammit! lol

An Angel

Shhh... The baby is asleep...

Wrong To Say No?

Is it wrong to not sleep with someone who needs comfort? Because last night I told him NO.
Mostly because I just know he would fall for me all over again. Been there, done that, don't wanna do that to him ever again. He actually said PLEASE and call me a bitch, but I still said NO. I said that's not why I was there, and he said he knew but that no one should ever miss an opportunity. I laughed (yes, we laughed a lot, oddly enough, considering the situation) and said I knew that but still. Then he asked what was it about me that makes him want me every time. I said I didn't know about before but this time I was sure it was only him wanting to feel something else, anything else. And he shook his head and said that wasn't it. Then I laughed again and said it had to be me being so irresistible. Then he kissed my neck so softly... but I still said NO. He asked if he was making me uncomfortable and I told him that after all these years he could never say or do anything that would make me uncomfortable, or embarrassed, or offended. Then I told him it wasn't him, but me not wanting it ever, not being able to relax and he said "It's a shame." and I couldn't help but to think of the last time I've heard that.
Why is it that I only want those I cannot have?
Was it wrong to say NO?

Baby Girl Needs Your Prayers

We've just heard that my friend's new born baby girl is in critical condition, something is wrong with her lungs.
If you pray, please mention her in your prayers. Thank you.



UPDATE (Monday, June 25)
She probably won't make it. Her vitals are not functioning anymore and my friend is just waiting for the worst news in his life.
I've spent most of the night with him, you know, just being with him. What do you say when he asks: "Why me?"

Women!

And here's my rant against women and how stupid they can sometimes be. Not nearly as often as men, but here's one example of utter stupidity and cruelty of a woman.

Sister's boyfriend's brother has just become a father half an hour ago. It's a girl! Well, no surprises there, we've all known it was a girl for months. He's not only sister's bf's brother, he's also my friend and my ex. It didn't last, and we just returned to "friends mode", lol. Anyway, not long after we broke up, he met this girl. They were on and off, on and off... didn't seem like love at all but you know, people's relationships are a strange thing - no one can really tell what goes on between two people, no one knows but the two of them. So after not even a year of on-offing, she got pregnant. Now, she's 28-29, he's 25. We're talking adults here, right? There they were, in a shaky relationships, making babies. WTF??! Can you say birth control??!!! But they've decided to keep it and wedding plans were made. I know, I know... Having a baby shouldn't be the sole reason for getting married, but here where I live, it still too often is. I'm all for having children if you want, but why get married to someone you clearly don't love or even get along with (on-off, remember?) just because you got knocked up? But they said they're gonna get married and they rented a place to live here, in this village. Then she changed her mind about getting married. They were only going to live together, but not get married. OK, that sounded even reasonable, they obviously didn't know each other that well so why not give it a try first to see if it works, right? So they bought some furniture, TV, car... I don't know exactly, but I think that she bought a car "for them" and he bought the furniture. And then, as they were about to move in, literally, as he drove her in front of the house, she got out of the car and started crying saying she didn't wanna live there. WTF??! (again) Seriously, 28 (or29) years old woman making such mess! If she didn't want to do it, why go through the whole process? Spending all of that money? Time? Building his hopes up ? Because he obviously cared more for her than she did for him. Well, shit happens, so he drove her back home and they broke up. Baby still on the way, of course. A baby that is now born.
I realise that my post has little sense, if any. But I wonder now if he'd be a father to that child. I know he wants to be, but what happens when they both meet other people, when their lives go separate ways? With a woman as immature as this one apparently is, I expect virtual blackmail with that child to get whatever she wants. And he will give it. Because from how he behaves, it seems to us he's still hoping to get back together. And he's in for some serious heart-break.

Saturday Night Blabber

Don't you just love when people make you look like an idiot after you've only tried to help them because they fucking asked you to?

Anyway... I've just realised today how personal this blog really is. I was reading back (I know, who does that?! *weirdo*) and got pretty embarrassed with all the crap I have spilled out here.
Seriously, what was I thinking? lol I almost censored myself. A crush??! Really?! I had a crush??! Well, I can tell you that that's gone. My period came and poof!, all the horny and hormones and God knows what not is back to normal and I hate men all over again, thank you very much.

God, it's hot in this room! It could be Mr Cusack on TV though because outside is not as hot as it was these last few days. What is it with me and dorks on TV?

Saturday Morning Blabber

This is going to be boring. Just saying.
I went to my friend's birthday party last night. I was really looking forward to it. And then, as we got there and I had my first drink, I got extremely sleepy. I couldn't sit up straight. So I laid myself down on the bench I was sitting on, closed my eyes and listened to people talk. Then her friend (who is accidentally the guy who I had my very first date with when I was 17 - don't laugh, Darth Sardonic claims I'm a late bloomer and I choose to believe him; then we joked about it, I said something like knowing him for almost 10 years and he was like "Is it that long?!" and I said it was and that I was 17 and he said he was 13 or 14, bastard, lol - he's 9 months younger, and he said I wore a Kelly Family T-shirt - I DID NOT!, I was a fan but didn't wear that kind of things in public) kept throwing beer caps at me. I asked him to come and let his lap play a pillow for me but he said he was too hard for a pillow. Men! lol I couldn't drink. What is wrong with me? Maybe I was just tired but I don't know.
Today I'm staying home. There's "Runaway Jury" on TV. I love that movie for two reasons and don't love it for one. First: it's based on my favourite Grisham's book ever. Ever. Second: John Cusack stars in it! Hello?! JOHN CUSACK! When that movie was to be made I was excited about it even before I knew he was gonna be in it. Imagine my joy when the casting was done! Exactly. Now, the reason I don't like it is because they've changed the original story. In the book the suit is against the tobacco industry and in the movie it's guns. Well, nothing is perfect, right? Still, can't wait. Oh I know I totally have the movie on tape but still... lol

And then tomorrow is... ha... how to explain this... It's the day of my village and it's the day of our parish, St. John the Baptist, so there'll be a village fair (thanks, Trap, for the word - I'm not functioning this morning at all), a football tournament and some kind of a band is going to have a concert later at night, and everyone will be there so it should be at least mildly amusing. Maybe we'll ride the carnival cars or something again.
And that would be my plans for the weekend.

Later that day... (lol)
I just watched "16 Candles". I've never seen it before. It sucks. But did you know that young John Cusack was in it? So adorable and so dorky. I love him.
I'm bored now.

UFO

No, I didn't start seeing aliens or flying saucers... UFO stands for Urban Fest Osijek. It's being held from June 21 to June 24 and we went last night. It was good. Again a lot of rock bands, unknown and (supposedly) known (not by me though, lol) and there was also a stage with electronic music where Fox performed so we went to show support. When I say we, I mean Trap and me. Well, girls came too but they returned to the rock-concert. I don't blame them. Honestly, I don't like any kind of extreme music. I love mainstream and that's it, but you don't get mainstream on open-air events, right? There was, however, one band, We Come One, that was really great. They play instrumentals only and there are like 10 of them and they have trumpets and trombones and what not and they sound really really great. They played some covers and their originals. That was great. The rest... not so much but OK, I was out, I saw people... It was good. Fun fact: drunk people - easy to make laugh *coughAnjacough*. I tripped over a branch on the ground and it hit me badly, I have a purple bruise and a scratch above it. Very sexy.
Tonight is Sonja's birthday party. I'll try to get drunk. I tried last night too but the booze just wouldn't kick in. Did I manage to develop immunity to alcohol in the last two weeks??! Impossible...
I'm tired. And I'm pretty sure I'm feeling a headache coming along. Lovely.

Ooooh, it's "Sense and Sensibility" on TV!!! I shall drool over my female celeb-crush for a while. For those of you not knowing who I'm talking about, it's Kate Winslet. Fuck men. BTW, I totally sat on the left side of the train today. Ha.

Up

OK, I'm not exactly up but I wanted to let you all know that you don't have to worry anymore. I'm good. And getting better. I got rum, I got coke, I got clothes picked out (long, rich, wavy black skirt that makes me feel feminine...) and I'm ready to party. Yes, I realise now how lame that sounds. I'm ready to go out, where people are. That's enough.
I'm hoping this incredibly dull boy won't be coming along. See, at one point I made a crucial mistake: asked him to join us and ever since, he's kept texting Anja asking if we are going out so he could tag along. Now, if he was texting me, you know it wouldn't last. Call me a bitch but hey, at least I'm good at saying NO! Unfortunately, Anja is not cut the same way. He asks her if we're going out and she spills it out! I'm giving her some lessons but she hasn't graduated yet. I mean, what kind of a girls' night out it is if there's an annoying guy involved? Exactly.
Anyway, there should be other people there tonight so even if he shows up, we'll be able to ignore him. Unless, of course, he starts hitting on someone again. Is there anything worse than being hit on by someone you utterly dislike? Oh, he wasn't hitting on me (I think he's a bit afraid of me, as he should be), but Maja and Anja, poor things, couldn't escape it. In two days, he gave his best shot with both of them. Boys... Don't they realise that girls share that kind of things? It was too funny. And repulsive. So we're trying to avoid him now. I'm sincerely hoping that Anja would stay strong. Saddest part is that he was really fun to hang out with for about an hour. Four or five hours... not so much.
Well, I better go and shave my legs now. Oh joy. I hate doing that. I know I already said it but it bears repeating. Plague on whoever came up with the concept of smooth female legs. Plague, leprosy, small pocks, AIDS, Ebola... That would have kept him/her (but my money's on him) busy instead of having enough time to think of shaving people's legs!

Down

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want tears in my eyes. I don't want to feel this helpless again. I don't want to go back there. I was there. For a long long time. I didn't like it. I've only got out. Both out of me and out of the house. And yet here I am again: sitting... hiding behind the screen, from myself, from everyone. I am supposed to go out tomorrow but for hours now I've been thinking of an excuse not to. Do you have any idea how many times I didn't go out because I felt like this? Do you have any idea what it did to me, this constant keeping to myself, not communicating with anyone? Do you have any idea what it's like to look at this self in the mirror? Do you have any idea how fucking hard it was for me to even try being someone else? Did you even once think about me? Why would you, I showed you someone else... And now me is back. In all its glory. In tears. In over-thinking. In blaming myself. In being helpless. In having no will to do anything. I don't want to be with people. I don't want to let them in. Look where it brought me. Wanting what I can't have. Wanting too many can't-have's. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Just... normal.

Prince is playing on the radio. Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world? No. I could be dead but I'm not even that.

Picture

... cuz I think this one is just pretty (and it doesn't show my boobs for a change, lol)

Off Topic: Yesterday I was looking for some T-shirts and ended up buying one tank top saying I love boys with a guitar. If you think that sign is weird (cuz I was wondering if that meant it's a group of boys gathered around one with a guitar or what...), listen to this: there was a top saying WHENEVER YOUR LONELY. Thinking of Friends all of a sudden, and Rachel's 8 page long letter to Ross that made him fall asleep... Then there was one that might get you a random beating up on the street every time you wear it: YOUR BOYFRIEND BOUGHT ME THIS SHIRT. Uhm, uwwwkey... Some girls are stupid, they might take it personally. I wouldn't wear it (unless, of course, someone's boyfriend actually buys it for me, but I can't see it happening).
Well, this was really boring so I'm wrapping it up.

ETA: ...that has nothing to do with previously written, but I'm bored so...
This has been a really hot day. I actually studied. And language history nonetheless. I mean, I studied something connected with history. Now that requires will power when it comes to me. And it's for a Croatian exam. *proud of self*
People on forum just won't lay off my Freak Sisters. I was told that LCB himself had the camera in his hands and was focusing on guess what. I am annoyed. Seriously. I mean, if that's all that I am then I'm in serious trouble. But I also heard I was the most beautiful and loveliest girl there so... My mood went up. lol
A stroll down the memory lane: I have always been the ugly duckling. Always. You know how at 14 or 15 it's time for the first boyfriends and holding hands and first kisses and all that? Well... All of my friends (but one) had boyfriends. Me - never. I was called Volcano by the boy I liked because of my skin problems, for instance. That worked wonders for a teenage girl's confidence. So for the next few years I wore black, kept quiet, read books (books unfortunately filled my mind with the ideal of love that doesn't exist and I'm not over it yet), wrote diary about the non-existing life (still doing so) and waited... For what, I didn't know.
Then last summer, at Krk, I was suddenly a girl that got noticed! How that happened, I had no idea! I'm thinking the three S's - sun, sea, summer. But now... Dunno. Did I grow up into a woman? And when? And how?
Still... (us women, never satisfied! lol) I would much more like to be noticed for what I say and who I am than for what I have growing on my body. Like when I meet people online and they talk to me. They don't care what I look like, all they care about is what I have to say. And I love it.
Anyway, I had a point with this... I'm sure I did. *reading back* Oh yes! This boob-discussion went so far that I actually asked the guy who is making the DVD to cut out certain parts and he was gracious enough to do it. So I'm thankful. I feel humiliated enough as it is. So yeah, compliments are nice, but they can only go so far. And I'm done.


OK, I'm not done. It's 2am and what's going through my head is "Why doesn't he want me?" ??!!! I know he's no good and I know he's bad news and I shouldn't be thinking about him anymore but WHY DOESN'T HE WANT ME?! It's not cuz he loves his girlfriend. People who love their significant others don't go around behaving like he did. And if never wanted me, then why saying all those things? Why? Why?! WHY??!

Sunday Blabber

Aaand we're back to our regularly scheduled programme.
I'm menstruating. Lovely. My insides are killing me. Isn't it wonderful, bleeding painfully and it's a humid, hot day...
I'm listening to some sad sad songs on the radio, Alicia Keys and Michael Buble and Joss Stone and it suits my mood because a friend was just over. She was at a wedding last night. Yes, THAT wedding, and she brought me a picture to see. He looks happy. I'm happy for him. OK, I'm not. I'm jealous. I don't want to get married but damn, I never thought he'd be the one to marry either. I hope that lucky bitch knows what she has. That is all.
Mother is nervous as hell again. And you know what? I try to stay out of her way, behind closed door of my room but not much I can do when she comes in. No, I'm not well either so why should I take crap? Who told her to iron my pants, huh? I certainly didn't and you know why? Because they are NOT MEANT TO BE IRONED! So she says: "Next time you're ironing them yourself." and I'm like: "Why did you iron them in the first place? They are supposed to be wrinkled!" and she throws them on the bed furiously: "Well why haven't you said anything??!" WTF??! I didn't know she was gonna take them off the string anyway. I'm going mad here.
Two exams tomorrow morning. Fun-fucking-tastic.
Then I'm supposed to stop by at the radio to.. I don't know... pick up a T-shirt or something. Dunno if I'm gonna. Not sure if I wanna see the prick. He might not be there, of course. Then again, dunno if I wanna NOT see the prick. lol Problems, eh? They are all apparently discussing my breasts now. Openly, on the forum. Someone suggested I change my donkey avatar into the one of my Freak Sisters. Yeah right. Trap even added that my legs are quite nice too. Coming from a guy who said that has a fetish on nice legs, both male and female, I suppose it means something. OK, honestly, this is working wonders for my self-confidence. And we all know that my ego needs some help these days, with people rejecting me and people getting married...

Liberal?

I gotta say this this (you foreigners will find this to be very odd but bear with me): I am really proud to have met such a cool crowd that doesn't care about someone's sexual orientation. See, in Croatia things are not great. We act as if we are liberal and still a lot of people who are different in some way get attacked, both verbally and physically. And this guy, Trap, he was very reluctant to reveal his true identity, but then guys talked him into it and they tease him about checking them out just as they do among themselves and with girls and it's OK, no one cares if he's gay or whatever. And I love it. For a conservative and traditional place such as this is, it's amazing. That is all.

Wow!

Call me silly but I'm over a thousand clicks on this ridiculous blog!
I know it's like 10-15 same people but that makes it that more special: you come back!
Thank you, dear readers!

Pictures

All of the pictures (9 pgs)

On pictures:
Ninđa & Hiro (brothers)
Malena & me & Dunja & Skeletor & Puki & Supermara
Badam & Fox
Ninđa & Model Guy
Ninđa & Supermara & Denis & me & Peki
Model Guy (in black) & Denis & Peki & Gamba & Badam
Hiro & Danijel & Ninđa & Dunja & Cun
Supermara & me & Alana Bates & 2 high school girls
Fox & Dardevil & Skeletor
me & Dardevil
Denis & me
Danijel & Gamba & Marko
Marko & Supermara & Malena & Hiro & Danijel

About The Day

Malena & me & Dunja & Skeletor & Puki & Supermara

I don't feel like writing this at all. I am tired and I have tons of studying to do but since I know at least some of you want to read this, I'll make an effort. If it sucks... here's your reason. And there'll be more pictures, I'm sure.

Anyway...
I go to the meeting point at 2pm and we got into cars and drove to where we were going. There were more people than I thought would be, somewhere around 30 people from forum and radio and some high school kids who do their shows on the radio too. It was a beautiful, truly hot day, and the centre is lovely too, with tennis courts and fields of grass to throw frisbee at or play football (soccer, you Americans) or just sit there. But we mostly sat around tables and talked and laughed and do what people do - drank.
Us girls prepared the bread and vegetables and as I was bringing the trays to the tables they teased me and I was only praying that the tomatoes wouldn't fall down and start rolling all over the place. The guy who owns the centre or something (didn't care, didn't ask) barbecued tons of meat and then we ate and then we drank some more. I didn't, actually, not at that point anyway. Then Trap and French Maid came (lol, nicks, of course) and I like them a lot so I talked a lot to them and since the last time we met Trap said I groped him and he felt violated, I kept apologizing every time I would accidentally touch him until he put his hands around me and said I can do what ever I wanted. lol I said he was like my punching bag, something to practice on cuz he was harmless.
Then the boys went to play football (soccer, you Americans) and us girls cheered. It was forum against the radio. Radio w0n and I drank some beer. It was nice, hit me immediately (I'm such a cheap date...). Then Trap and Frenchy were leaving and he came to say goodbye and gave me his number and kissed me on the lips. I did mention he's gay, right? Does that make me a fag hag? lol
Then we sat around the table some more, I had another glass of beer and felt even better, not drunk, just... good. Then I went to the tennis court and talked to Skeletor who was watching Marko and Hiro playing and it was nice. It got darker and we returned to the crowd. The candles were lit, Badam (high school crush... oh! a digression! As I sat with Trap and Frenchy, he came to us and took a seat and I said: "Hey, d'you know what I did in high school? You won't remember but I do. I left a note on your desk asking your name." and he said: "That was you?" as if he remembered. I said: "You can't remember it!" and he said he did remember and that he wrote his name. I said that he wrote the names of both of the guys sitting there and he said that the other guy added his name himself. And said: "So that was you? Y'know, I was quite.. confused in high school.", I supposed he meant he wasn't good with girls or something. So I don't know, maybe he did remember...) took the guitar and first the Model Guy played (oh! another digression! So I met him. lol He came to us and we shook hands and I said: "So I'm Kristina." and he went: "I know. I noticed you from there." lol I suppose Peki told him who I was when he came. Anyway, he's nothing special.), then Badam and Marko took turns and everyone sang, Peki the loudest (he does sing, after all, lol).
So all in all, a great day outside, I had a wonderful time, I met even more people and I was more of myself than that two other times. I was louder, I was ruder... I was more me.
At one point of the evening, they started playing "Ti si mi u krvi" (You're in my blood) and it hit me how someone is getting married today and I sank for a while... Dunno why. Memories, I suppose. Denis immediately asked me what happened but I shook it off, smiled and kept singing. Really quietly, of course, didn't wanna chase people away.
And that was my day.

I took an exam this morning, it was really long, almost an hour and a half and I never write that long. I'm dead tired and... still wanna do the bastard. See, I don't even like him anymore. This is now a war and I wanna win. lol
Oh yeah, just saw on the forum how Trap wrote under that picture of Denis and me that I had great boobs. lol Funny guy. He claims that at least he's objective since he's not blinded with my female charms. I suppose I should thank him then.

Going

Yeah, it's final now.

I also flirted with LCB this morning, in between my studying... What? Oh, LCB? Well Lying Cheating Bastard, duh! I'll try to stay away. Because really, I talk a lot but do little. lol
And I did study, honestly. Also, I passed Introduction To Linguistics, it's a B! (sounding suspiciously like "It's a girl!", lol) So that's two down!

I talked to my mother a bit, explained to her how incredibly boring their stories of old people are and how I understand that they don't understand half of the things I talk about lately and how it bothers me that they roll eyes if I mention the Internet but that I'd met people here who go to the same Uni as me or study English somewhere else in the world and how stressed I am about the exams and she nodded a lot. Which, I understand, means nothing but still, maybe a sentence or two will stick. Oh yeah, it all began with her asking if I was happy at Uni and I said I was and didn't it show and she said it didn't cuz I never talk to them anymore. Yeah... One would think that me having a life outside of this room would be an indicator but apparently not.
Anyway, going to see some stand-up comedians tonight. Yep, busy, busy, busy... lol

Horoscope Of The Day

You have always felt the need to free yourself from society. You need to feel your independence at all costs. You may need to face certain relationship problems at this time. You may be hesitant to commit either at work or in your personal life. You may ask yourself if your attitude isn't in fact revealing a desire to get away from it all. Perhaps, you will find the answer today.

Interesting, no? Me, freeing myself from society... Who knew. lol

Ha!

Weirdest thing happened...
I was checking the R+ forum and sis took a look and saw the topic bout Friday and said: "You're going to that." and I said: "I'm not, actually. She asked why not and I said: "Cuz you're all full of crap about it." and she went: "Whaat? Go!! You have to go!" lol So I might be going after all.
And yeah, she kept nagging about reading my blog and I kept refusing until she said "Oh just one page!" and I agreed and let her read this and this . And she went: "Awwww, that's so pretty!" for the first post and laughed at the second one. Oh yeah, I have some tricks up my sleeve too!
Then she said: "There's a code needed for the blog to be read?" and I said there was and she asked for it! Ahahahahahahahahaha! Yeah, right!

Now What?

I don't even feel like writing this down but ok.
Yesterday, as I was at forum and this one guy wrote something like they won't accept excuses.
Anyway, I haven't decided yet if I'll go. Although I did buy a pair of pants today for the said event. If I decide to go. Dead line is tomorrow at noon. I'll let you know.

So my mother has a problem with me not telling her anything anymore. Well boo-hoo! It was bloody time I kept some parts of my life to myself. TWENTY-FUCKING-FIVE!!! "You never talk to me anymore yadda yadda yadda..." and I said I had nothing to say. I'm pretty sure it's eating her on inside, me going out all the time and she not knowing these people. Well, whatcha gonna do. Kids grow up. Besides, anything I'd wanna say lately, she'd just roll her eyes every time I'd mention the Internet and let's face it, all of these people I'm seeing I met online, and when something comes in the mail, it's from people I met online, and even if I try to tell them about something funny that happened at Uni, they never think it's funny or interesting so there, that's why I shut the door behind me when I go into my room. They have their own topics of conversation I don't care about and vice versa. Why wouldn't I then just talk here to people who share my interests, no matter what my interests are and no matter where those people are? They certainly understand me better. And they do not judge.
And I know that lately all I do is rant but it's how I feel. I've had an ecstatic period and now I feel the sinking is coming. Seriously, bi-polar. No other explanation. Like yesterday. It was just one of those days, y'know, when nothing is really wrong but everything is wrong. And I just didn't feel like talking to anyone so I just watched "Hi-Fi" that happened to be on TV (only my favourite movie ever!) and put myself into bed and watched "House" and "Nip/Tuck" and then went to sleep. Well, somewhere after the movie, mom came into the room and asked why was I pissed off. OH MY GOD! How annoyed was I! Seriously, I've been having these days forever and she knows it. But when I said it was just that kinda day, she rolled her eyes as if it was a personal attack on her or something! It's like suddenly I'm 15 and all I ever do is not get along with my mother. I don't know how that happened, all I know is that it's happened 10 years too late.

UPDATE: I'm not going.
My family thinks I'm doing drugs. My sister thinks I have a boyfriend/lover. Her friend (??!) thinks I'm in a cult (God knows what my sister had told that girl if that was her conclusion). It was like "You should get out more. You're always home. That's not good." Now... It's wrong for me to go out, to have friends (okay, not friends but people to spend time with) they don't know. It's wrong not to tell them EVERYTHING.
Anyway, my sister was getting ready to go to the city and I'm like: "It's St. Ante today, there's a big crowd in the city, they're revealing the monument on the main square and the traffic is a nightmare at the bridge." And she's like: "Oh so you can go out and I can't? Is that so?" and I choose to ignore her because obviously, I was only trying to be helpful, not mean. Then I'm on the computer because mother has called and reminded me to send a b-day card to cousin and the chair I'm sitting on is in front of the mirror and my oh so gorgeous sister wants to take a look at herself. So I get up take a step back but the chair is still in front of the mirror and she goes: "Move that chair." And I move the chair (you should also know that this happened five minutes ago and I was sorta crying while talking to WFW about not going because my family is apparently screwed up) and bow to her highness and she goes: "What's with making faces?" and once again I'm ignoring her. Then I notice a little clip in her hair and think she forgot to remove it after putting make up on and say: "You have a hair clip in your hair." and she gives me a weird look and I go: "Oh is that there on purpose?" and she says: "Do you look like that on purpose?" I try to ignore her really hard but then she says: "You'll pay for everything." and I say: "I know..." (because her threats are old as hills and she does fulfill every now and then) and she says: "Well you better know." and leaves.

Punk Rocker?

I guess not. Ana was good, the girl can really sing, but my God, I couldn't understand a single word! And the band before them was God awful! Seriously, even the punkers said they sucked. Of course, I didn't get drunk so maybe that was wrong to begin with.
I am so tired...
Yeah, I know what you all are expecting me to write about, but you already know the story so I don't see the point of dwelling on it any longer. Screw him.
OK, just this: he even dared to ask if I'd be coming with them on Friday! Uhm... NOT!
(I have an exam Saturday morning so I can't. Do you think he'll think I'm not coming cuz of him? Do you think I care what he thinks? lol Loser.) Although, as I read about the plans they're making, I really want to go! They are going to have so much fun! I wish I was going too!!!!
I got my first grade today. It's a B in Language Practice. Yay. (Too tired for enthusiasm.)
So that's it.
Oh wait. I also got some inspiration out of it all and wrote a punk song and that has to count for something, right? Now, who wants to do the music and sing it?

INFLATABLE DOLL
Your ego put combat boots on
And kicked my confidence in the guts
What was there to do but
To crawl back into Mother Solitude's womb

Hey, whatever
Take by the hand your inflatable doll
And take a stroll

So I pick the woman in me up
Shake the dust off my pride
Step one, step two
Look, I'm walking, holding my head up high

Hey, whatever
Take by the hand your inflatable doll
And take a stroll

Whatever
Just shut the fuck up
My fall doesn't want to listen
My slip just doesn't care

Hey, whatever
Take by the hand your inflatable doll
And take a stroll

Indecisive

I'm leaving house in an hour and a half.
Still haven't decided.
Don't hate me, all you hos out there, but I'm leaning into NO more than YES. Bel, you happy?
This shouldn't be so complicated.

Oh and I'm not going anywhere on Friday. It's supposed to be a whole day long "event" in some village, in a recreational centre... Not my cup of tea, really. Besides, I have an exam Saturday morning so no thank you.
I suppose this is how my R+ forum adventure ends...

I don't think I'll be drinking tonight.
Does it show that I'm not in such a great mood? I feel like I've been run by an 18-wheeler. Rock on, huh?

Sunday Night Blabber

Oh yeah, it's a whole new kind of blabber.
My neck is KILLING ME! I have a question about that. Since I'm not all that familiar with the rock-concerts, I would really like to know what is it about them that makes people shake their heads like crazy. I just want to know why I did that, because I'm in pain and I don't know why!
Still thinking about tomorrow. It shouldn't be that complicated, right?
I have a partial exam tomorrow at noon. No, I didn't learn everything. Saddest part: it's only six and a half pages long material. Thaaaat's right, six and a half! But it's very incoherent, it makes no sense whatsoever. I guess I'll be getting up quite early tomorrow to go through it. That will do wonders for the night out. I took a nap in the afternoon. I needed it. Guess whose voice woke me up. Yeah... OK, I will stop that now.
I was introduced to a great song by Miss WFW, "Lover I Don't Have To Love" by Bright Eyes, great lyrics, really... fitting. She knows my taste apparently. It's weird, isn't it, to have someone you have never met and actually spoke to knowing something like that about you? Weird, but nice.
There's Miss and Mister Croatia 2007 pageant on TV right now and Model Guy is there too. It's hilarious: he didn't make it to the finals. I bet he'll be pissed! (Am I being mean? I think I am... How very unusual of me.)

Oh, I keep forgetting to say this: THANK YOU, ALL those of you who asked to be invited to read this blog after I made it private (and those of you who accepted the invitation even though you didn't ask for it! lol)! I appreciate it very much. It's a small crowd of 16, but those are the people whose opinions I always want to hear, so thank you for your comments too! You make a girl with no life happy. xoxox

Lover I Don't Have To Love

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said "Thanks, can I follow you?"
So it's up the stairs
And out the aim of prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name
You asked the time

Now it's two o'clock
The club is closed, we're up the block
Your hands on me
Pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said he'd meet me here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
He said, "It feels good"
I said, "I'll give it a try"

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers
They just play tragic
And the phone's ringing
And the band's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep, keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you, but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
Then hurt me

A Night Out

Well, what to say?
It was... GRRREAT!
I didn't drink all that much (my fave drink was not... available) but just enough to jump my ass off on a rock-concert. If that band was a rock band... Dunno. Didn't know a single song and they're, like, popular or something but still had a great time. The singer was hot. I think. Or it was the fact that I was slightly drunk and he was sweaty and singing... Anyway, it was really great and I'm hoping we'll be going tomorrow too even though it is supposed to rain and everything is being held out in the open. I apparently like jumping and screaming at rock concerts. Who knew.
Then we went to a bar, "Cadillac". It's a dump. It should be called "Pick-Up Truck". I didn't like that place nor the crowd. Of course, at that point I was completely sober again so that might be the explanation. Anja, on the other hand, was very very drunk and had the time of her life dancing with some people from the Uni. Maja was fighting off a guy who was apparently trying to seduce her or something. She's texting me right now about it, saying she doesn't remember half of what went on last night. Dunno. I was not that drunk at all. I remember everything.
Then we walked back to Maja's for an hour and we got there at 5.15 just as the day began. All in all, it was a fun night and I hope we'll go out tomorrow too.
And now I'm supposed to study. Hahaha, very funny.

La Depression

Pizzicato Five - La Depression

I haven't seen
A single interesting
Man around
For ages

A gentle
Cute
Rich
Bloke

We've been going through
Quite a recession these days
The world is going through
Some crisis I tell you
These days have been
Somewhat tedious

Interesting
Guys
Are not available
This season

Gentle
Cute
Rich
Blokes

We've been going through
Quite a recession these days
The world is going through
Some crisis I tell you
Everything has been
A bore of late
The world
Is a bore
My god
You are so unfair

As for interesting
As for interesting
Guys
I don't think there's any
Around

We've been going through
Quite a recession these days
The world is going through
Some crisis I tell you
Everything has been
A bore of late
The world
Is a bore
My god
You are so unfair

Saturday Blabber

Well the Saturday has arrived. Did you know I'm going out tonight? lol
I'm all shaven, smooth and skin-irritated. Expecting itching any minute now.
My sister bought herself an adorable dress, white with black dots, fits her insanely good. And what do I do? I make a stoopid mistake: stand next to her in front of the mirror. Picture it: a gorgeous, thin, great-boobed, long-straightened-haired girl and next to her... a rhino. But wait... What's that? Ah yes, it's my butt's satellite orbiting around it. What a confidence boost that was!
It's not her fault. Poor thing is lending me her top, her purse and is going to straighten my hair. So she's ridiculously pretty. And I'm not.
Stoopid gene pool.
Drinking it is.

*ahem*

This totally deserves a post of its own although I went insane today with posting as it is.
Anyway... My sister has just informed me that she did buy me what is necessary for self-waxing of my... that. I'm gonna do it. Seriously.
If you don't hear form me after tomorrow... Well, at least you'll know what happened.

UPDATE: ~the next morning~
Well... It was not AAAAAAAAAAHHH. Sure, there was pain but that's not what has stopped me. No. It's apparently impossible for me to use enough force from where I'm standing (lol) to pull it off properly. Some of it came off but not a lot. I do, however, have a bruise from pressing the strip on the skin. So I'm bruised but there's still... Well, I'll be needing the razor after all.

Touch & Go

Would you... ?

Um
I've noticed you're around
I find you very attractive
I've noticed you're around
Um
I find you very attractive
I find you very attractive
Um
Would you go to bed with me?
I've noticed you're around
Um
I find you very attractive
Would you
Um
I've noticed you're around
I find you very attractive
Would you
Um
Um
Would you go to bed with me?
I've noticed you're around
I find you very attractive
I've noticed you're around
Um

Gaah.

I still want him.
I'm pathetic.
I know.

UPDATE: NONONONONONONONONONO! Just heard there'll be no 10 do 12 during summer! What the fuck??! That's like the best radio show ever! Fuck that. People have got to stop cutting me off my drugs! First Went disappeared, now R+ is pulling the same crap. OK, I'm taking suggestions for my new addiction. What did you say? Studying?! Well, I might give it a try but I somehow doubt it'll work. Drinking, on the other hand...

UPPERDATE: (I love that non-existing word!) Just saw on the forum one of the hosts wrote: Darling sweet forum people, keep the next Friday free! The explanation is coming! Interesting, no? I suppose the opportunity will present itself... lol
My my, I'm actually beginning to have a life...
Btw, I'm going to see SHAKEspeare na EXit again on Sunday! Big fucking yaaay! Update: Big fucking fuck. No more tickets. Fuuuuck.

And I keep forgetting to say how my sister is joking and keeps telling my mom I'm gonna start doing drugs now that I'll be going out all that much. Yeah. Of course my mother asked me if that is going to happen. She asked me, me who has never ever in my entire life used any illegal substance. Ever. Jesus Christ!

Uncomfortable Survey

I need to lighten up a bit. So, totally off topic...

1. Shortest relationship?
2 days.
2. Longest relationship?
5 months (Told you relationships are not for me.)
3. How many boyfriends have told you that they loved you?
2.
4. Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?
I have.
5. Have you ever made a boyfriend cry?
Of course.
6. Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I think it's safe to say single.
7. Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I know of.
8. What is your favourite thing about the opposite sex?
It's that something... I can't put my finger on it.
9. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I have.
10. Talk to any of your ex's?
I do.
11. If you could go back in time and change things to where you were with one of your ex's, would you?
Hell no.
12. Do you believe that you are a good girlfriend?
No, I'm horrible. Seriously.
13. Have you dated people who were not good for you?
Not really dated, no.
14. Have you been in an abusive relationship?
I haven't.
15. Have you ever dated someone older than you?
I have, they were all older.
16. Younger?
No.
17. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I don't and they don't.
18. Ever date two people at once?
No.
19. Ever been given an engagement ring?
No.
20. Do you want to get married?
Not really.
21. Do you have something to say to any of your ex's?
Not really.
22. Ever stolen someone's boyfriend?
No. I think.
23. Ever liked someone's boyfriend?
Of course.
24. Does heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?
I'll let you know when someone breaks my heart.

Drunk

I'm drunk. I'm gonna meet with him on Monday. Don't care. Want him.

What Can I Say?

He has a girlfriend.
After flirting like mad, after asking for my number, after asking me about tomorrow night, after me asking what he had in mind, he goes: You do know I have a girlfriend?
Well... Now I do.

I could laugh, I could throw up, i could get drunk... But mostly, I could cry.
And that is why I hate men. I should have known better.

My Sister...

... is a total bitch. Yeah. So I changed the settings of the blog and made it invitation-only. I hate it but I don't like the idea of her reading this because, believe it or not, she actually threatens me with telling on me! Can you believe it? I swear, I'm not making this shit up. She didn't say anything specific but she scares the shit out of me.
If my mother hears about me drinking, or heaven forbid, sleeping with strangers (when I say "strangers", I mean someone who is not my official boyfriend), my life will turn into hell.
I know it's hard to believe, because I'm 25 and supposedly a grown up, but there you go. My 23-year-old sister tells on me and my mother doesn't allow me to have a private life.
And now you have another piece of the puzzle.
Apparently, my sister has a problem with me spending so much time on the computer. Well, here's how it is: she has a job and a boyfriend; I have Uni and computer. I can honestly say that their stories about old people (mom and her both work in a nursing home), that they think are very interesting, do not amuse me. I don't like old people. It's a horrible thing to say, I know, but it's the truth. They gross me out and they're not funny and they are annoying and besides, all of those old people there are there to die. I don't care about them. I've never met them and never will so why should I be interested into what they said or did??! And you know what else? My family is not interested in anything I wanna say. I have a new circle of people around me now, both at Uni and online (if I can say that) and stuff that is interesting to me, means nothing to my family. When I got home after seeing that play, all excited and happy, they didn't care. They didn't understand.
My sister and I... We are very different. She had one long lasting relationship before this one; I would get drunk and sleep with... well, anyone. She would tell that to my mother and now mom thinks that every time I go out, I'd get drunk and sleep around. That has led to me not going out at all because I could see what she's thinking the next day. Not to mention that she would be up most of the times when I would come home just to see if I was sober. And I'm pretty sure she would examine my clothes for stains. She simply can't understand that I don't want to be in a relationship, that maybe my views of the world are not the same as hers. And of course, she has a powerful ally in my sister, and since the two of them are right, I must be wrong. Imagine living that way.
And it was always that way. I never cared for my sister's life, I didn't care who she's with or where she is or what she's doing. She, on the other hand, simply had to know all of that about me. Probably because she needed the information to blackmail me. Stupid me though that would stop when she grows up but she's 23 now. 23!! And it hasn't stopped.
So if my mom hears about me wanting to have sex with a guy I met once... hell is about to ensue. And I mean, a psychological hell because there'll be those looks, and silences, and eventually the talk where she'll try to explain to me why is my behaviour wrong. And I'll be hearing them talking about me when they think I can't hear them and then I'll be feeling guilty of something I shouldn't be feeling guilty of.
And I'm sorry for this post being so long and so mixed up and I know it's hard for you to follow but I'm just really upset right now and I had to let it out.

FINALLY!

CLASSES ARE OVER!!!!!!
Of course, now it's time for the exams but in the mean time I intend to go out and get drunk and have sex and everything! Yes I am. YesIamyesIamyesIam!

Lovely, no?

I've stumbled upon this picture of Nicole Ritchie and... Dunno. I usually don't pay attention to these things but I had to react. So this is supposed to be beautiful. Attractive. Sexy. This is what most of us is trying to achieve by not eating or exercising or popping pills or vomiting or...
Great. Juuust great.
Why are women so stupid?
Waxing, plucking, dyeing, starving... Changing in every way possible just to get... What? A man? Because honestly, does that make us feel good? Happy? Do we really care if our bellies are round or flat? Do we feel better when we go to bed hungry or after a yummy bowl of ice cream? As long as my heart isn't drowning in my own fat, no one can tell me that not eating dinner is for my own good.
And yet, as so many others, I obey. Or at least I try. And feel guilty when I fail.

Tuesday Blabber

First of all, a correction: Maja and Anja resented me for referring to them as "my girls". They prefer "my bitches". I stand corrected. Bitches. Btw, Saturday it is. (They know there's no chance for me to run into he-who-shall-not-be-named, they picked Saturday on purpose! Bitches indeed! *wink wink*) Well, there's still Monday... I don't really know if he's into punk music... God knows I am not, but I'll be there so maybe he will too. Oh wait... I said I wasn't gonna obsess out loud anymore, didn't I? Well, blame it on Lady MacLeod. God, I can't wait to go out! Seriously. You don't know me so you don't know how unusual it is for me to say something like that but I suppose it goes hand in hand with the crush and going back to school and meeting bunches of new people lately... Hell, I might even end up having a life after all! How did that happen??!

An update on my Shakespeare research paper: I got an A!!! (Thanks, Bel, again!) So that's an A in Essay Writing! Yaay.

Now if only I could get laid...

On the picture: An erect phallus in some amusement park in China

Monday Blabber

Monday bloody Monday.
I totally didn't take the exam. There was no point to it. I'll have to take it in a few days. Whatever.
I wrote stupid 500 words on famous Croatian actors... well, not exactly. It's kinda hard to explain. Maybe I'll post it but it's really stupid so I doubt it.
Uhm... Yeah, I'm still obsessing, in case you were wondering, but have decided to at least try to keep it inside. Let's observe how that goes, shall we? lol
My girls, Maja and Anja, (haha, kak' ovo jadno zvuči, izvinjavam se!), made a plan for us to go out. We don't know yet will it be Thursday or Saturday. We do, however, know that we will be drinking. They better keep the boys away. What boys? Trust me, when I drink, it doesn't matter. Another thing we know is that we will go to see our colleague Ana's punk group perform on Monday and a group of stand-up comedians on another Thursday. Busy, busy weeks are ahead... lol It's Osijek's Youth's Summer (I'm sorry, the translation is too lame) so a lot is happening. And yes, I will be going out. With people. Odd, isn't it? I know.
But in the mean time, I have a lot of nervousness to go through. Exams, exams... The worst times are here.

Projecting

Let me analyse once again. (I hope Sonja won't be reading this because yesterday, as I got into it, she told me, annoyed, to stoppit.)
But she's not here right now so here I go again.
First of all, most of you know perfectly well that I simply cannot get him off my mind. Maybe it was about time I had a crush on someone real, I don't know. One way or another, it's here and I'm dealing with it. As exciting as it was a few days ago when we "talked", it's freaking me out now. And I have only one person to blame: myself. It's just the way I am. I never knew how to sit back and enjoy the ride. Oh no. I have always been the type that keeps asking why this and why that, how to get where I want and how to get there immediately. No patience whatsoever. And I know very well that's not the way these things work.
Another thing I do but is completely wrong is projecting. What do I mean? Well, I start imagining things. I give them characteristic they only posses in my mind. Maybe because I don't know them so I have to basically make them up, but maybe because I simply want them to be these people I have in my mind. So in this particular case, rationally, I know he simply cannot be the person I think he is but I still can't help myself. Is it then any wonder I get sick and tired of boys when I discover they can't live up to my expectations? I suppose not.
Then, I start to imagine things. So this is what it all comes down to: instead of enjoying the fact that I finally, after a long long time, have a crush on someone I actually talked to, someone I actually met, someone I might actually touch some day... instead of all that, I drive myself crazy obsessing over something I have no control over and something I have most likely only imagined.
Why can't I be normal? Why?

Sunday Blabber

Yeah, I totally know you don't care, but hell, it's my blog, right?
So, after waxing sister's bf yesterday, she kinda talked me into waxing my own legs this morning.
FUUUUUUUUUCK!
There's no way in hell I'm letting someone do that to my... *ahem* Well, that. And I'm still sticky here and there. Stupid wax. I wonder who it was who first thought to him/herself "Hmm, wouldn't it be great if women would shave their legs? And OMG, how awesome would it be if they would shave their private places?! I wonder if I could talk one of them into trying it." Apparently, there was that one woman. Stupid bitch. See, the thought of shaving legs never crossed my mother's mind when she was a girl. Yeah, I know, your mothers probably did shave theirs, but here it was unheard of. I long for those good old times. Seriously. I hate shaving that much. The razor irritates my skin to an unimaginable extent. It gets dry, it sometimes peels off, itches, burns even. I should've been born a hippie...
Am I over-thinking the whole hair-removing thing? Does that surprise you? Don't I over-think everything??!

Still crushing. Still the only bloody thing on my mind. Yesterday Maja said to me "I can't study!" and we decided it was not a day for studying. Well, what about today? Because to me, nothing has changed. Mental, I'm telling you.

Anyway, we've won the game. 1:0 ended up being the final score. So yaay team.

Oh, if you catch me online this afternoon, chase me away, OK? I really have to study! Thanks!