Diary Of Krk XIV

What a day this has been! I've worked my shift in the morning but I went back almost immediately because Jelena is in Osijek till friday morning and I thought Štefica might need some help. So I went back but there wasn't much to do. However, Boris was pissed off the whole day for some reason. It had to do something with diving, I don't know what because I'm not involved in that part of business. He asked me once if I wanted to be but I refused and boy, am I glad I did! So he was freaking out, mostly taking it out on poor Štefi, simply 'cause she was there. He would have yelled at Jelena too but she was gone. That's why he's been trying to get to her by phone and she wouldn't answer. Then I called her a few times and finally she answered at 10pm and I told her to call him AT ONCE. She did and all he had to say was for her to be here Friday morning instead of afternoon. I mean, really!!!!Anyway, he's just too busy and there's been some mix up with some payments and so on so we all had to take the blame for all sorts of things.
Now it's 10.17pm and the cafe is being closed by Štefi whose boyfriend has just arrived. I don't like the atmosphere neither there nor in our apartment. I got really angry today when I found the tin left unwashed since two days ago. I cook and EVERYONE eats and then I must clean everything up. As if it's my duty. Yesterday morning there was no plate, cup, glass, fork, spoon or a knife clean. Seriously, it's driving me mad. So I haven't cooked yesterday nor today nor I'm gonna cook tomorrow. I don't give a fuck anymore. The detergent is almost out but no one is gonna notice since no one si doing any washing anyhow.
And I'm feeling so lonely tonight. More lonely than this whole time. I'm annoyed with pretty much everyone here and the only friend I could talk to isn't here. Mihael, the guy from Višnjevac, was here, he just stopped by to get J's number. He needs her to bring him his second cell phone, his first one is broken. I was happy to see him but he went away very quickly, he didn't have time to stick around. He said he'd come Friday or Saturday. Hope he would.
Nikolina has sent me an SMS. She's in Duga Uvala. She finally got to the sea, she's really happy about it and I am for her. I haven't heard from Vaki or Soliter. They're probably having too much of a good time to be thinking about poor little me, left all alone in the world.
I'm hoping my Slovenian would be here for the wekend. I know nothing could ever happen given he's been married and all but I like the way he looks at me and I like knowing what's going through his mind (it's on my mind too!!!!!) and REALLY like the feeling of forbidden fruit and the fact that even flirting is soooo dangerous. But he probably won't come. Good night now.

Diary Of Krk XIII

The whole thing with that boy turned out quite stupid. He's gone to Crikvenica now and to ZG on Saturday so that's it for the two of us. Although, it was over even before because he had invited me to his birthady party and then sort of UNINVITED me with some lame excuse that I don't even want to repeat. Anyway,that's that. Celibacy is still on.
However, the Slovenian guy from the beginning of the story was here on Saturday afternoon when I was working and kept hitting on me. Actually, he was more like seducing me, touching the center of my palm and my finger tips and you know that can drive me crazy. And he was looking at me the same way he was looking at me before. So I went along with the whole flirting game, some of it on purpose, some of it 'cause i just couldn't help it. Then he asked if we could meet and I kinda said we might but then I said I couldn't because of his wedding ring. Then he started to play with it, eventually he took it off and I was just smiling. I showed him the white mark where the ring was and he said that the ring only meant he wouldn't brag about us around and that everyone has to do something for their own pleasure every now and then. I told him he was right. I don't know what was I thinking. I do, actually. I find him very sexy, for who knows what reason, and mostly, I've had some rum&cokes and I haven't had anything to eat that whole day so even a drop of alcohol was enough to get me in that mood. And then my shift was over so I sort of ran away.
That was at 4pm. At about 5pm I was on my way to the beach and they were still there so I had to get in and have a couple of drinks more. He was leaning towards me, touching my knees. my waist (and just a bit lower) and saying how good I smelled. And I was letting him do that because I enjoyed it! And then his wife came in and made him leave. Of course,I would do the same if he was my husband. Anyway, if he comes back, we'll probably flirt some more but the fact that he's married is always on my mind.

Diary Of Krk XII

Yesterday was this boy's birthday so he's 26 now. Last I saw him on Monday. We made out some more at a beautiful spot by the sea. He's really adorable. Anyway, he's having a birthday party on Saturday and everyone keeps asking me if I'm going and I'm not even sure I'm invited. I mean, he said he's having a party and asked me if I'd come but I said I had to work and that was that. Also, if I'm going, I have to switch shifts and organize a ride to Malinska and, even more important, BACK!!!! But check this out: I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE EVEN WANTS ME THERE! I mean, it's not like we're an item or anything.. We're very casual so I may only hold him back at his birthday party and neither of us would want that. Anyway, I've been a bit annoying with text messages so I've promised myself I wouldn't send him another if he doesn't. I'm pretty sure he's not coming today, he sort of told me so last night in a message but I don't know about tomorrow and let alone Saturday! The saddest thing is I can't get him out of my mind! I'm totally fucked up already and when he leaves, I'll fall apart. I tried to keep mysalf from falling for him but he's just too irresistible. And now I wanna be with him all the time and if I can't, I wanna know where he is, who he's he with, what he's doing and everything else. I'm treating my cell phone like it's my best friend although it's been more of an enemy these past few days. Seriously, I'm fucked up! And I tried soooo hard not to let myself gp that way! It's just that I sooo love being around him. I light up when he walks into the room. and when he kisses me... He told me he liked me and the way I kissed. That's great but that's also everything I know about haow he feels and everyone else believes we're a couple. Oh, it's all so complicated, I'll freak out! If only he'd invite me to the party again, then I'd know more. Also, it would give me enough time to get everything set.
I must go now and get ready for work. I miss him like crazy. I probably am crazy.

Diary Of Krk XI

Last night I made out with the cutest boy. He's an instructor from ZG but is only here every now and then to help out. He's tall and skinny and dark haired with hazel eyes. And he's got the most adorable smile there is. We've exchanged some messages today and chances are we'll meet again tomorrow. I've been up till 6am and still haven't recover. It's actually Monday already, 1am, but I wanted to have the last cigarette and share this with you. Of course, Boris saw us and keeps making jokes on my account. But I'll take it like a woman.

Diary Of Krk X

I GOT IN!!!!! I make no sense, I know, but this is just too big! I'm about to start studying English and Croatian this autumn at FFOS. Can you believe it? I'm finally in! It's still sort of unreal to me, I can't quite fathom it. I'm beyond happy. I'm not quite aware that this means I'm going back to school but let's hope for the best.
What else is new? Erm, I'm still in touch with Hrvoje but only through SMS, we haven't seen each other since then and chances are we probably won't. it's sad, really, because it seems he really likes me. And I liked him but as the time passes I'm slowly losing it. I should see him again to check if he's as great as he seemed. I don't think it'll happen any time soon now because he's working every day the whole day long now and you know how immobile I am. We'll see.
The married with children guy is back, and I've been told he'd been asking where I was while I was home. My heart stopped for a split second when I heard that (although it would be better if I haven't heard it from HIS WIFE!!!) but then he didn't even look at me or speak to me the entire time they were here. I met himtoday in the street and he smiled and said hello but he was alone. I really must stop. Enough.
I'm sleepy. But I wish someone, anyone, would send me an SMS. I'm very lonely right now, I don't know why.

P.S. God damn! God damn! God damn! I finally got some fucking sleep and then this fucking moron came in and shouted: Are you asleep?!! NO, THAT'S JUST MY HAIR!!! YES, I'M ASLEEP, YOU IDIOT!! Though not anymore APPARENTLY! Now I can only go and fuck myself. I'm gonna go fucking crazy here, really. I'm like this close from hanging myself from the nearest tree. I made him his fucking pop-corn tonight out of the goodness of my heart and what do I get in return? The worst wake up call ever! And then I said: That's the thanx I get, this very gentle waking up? and the idiot then has the nerve to say: I could wake you up very gently! You fucking perve, I could be your fucking daughter! You HAVE A FUCKING DAUGHTER!!!! How would you feel if a forty year old pervert kept suggesting fucking crap like that to her, huh?! I'm someone's daughter too, you fuck! My mum almost didn't let me go back when I told her about his remarks on my account. Who does he think he fucking is??? And who am I? Just because I'm temporarily only a waitress doesn't mean I'm on disposal for filthy old perverts to enjoy themselves!!! IDIOT! He's the only reason I'm gonna really hate this place and I'm gonna hate it soon!!!!!!! I'm so angry, I don't know what to do! I could tear something up, I could break something. Writing angrily is not nearly enough to express my fury! If only I wasn't so tired and sleepy at the same time, if only there was a place I could go and scream from the top of my lungs! I could even hit someone really hard right now!! And when I say someone, I mean the biggest jerk around! Even the boss has issues with him! I hope he chases him away! It's really impossible to share a living space with anyone so inconsiderate especially when your opinion of that someone is getting lower on daily basis. Seriously, I had such a good opinion of him but now... Could I despise him more? I don't think so. Do I need all of this crap? Do I? What do I do? Who do I complain to? Is there anything that could possibly be done? I don't think so. I'm stuck here for the next two months and I can only pray for sanity, otherwise I may kill myself just about now!!!! If I only had something here that would really make me happy instead of two months ahead of me with no sleep or private life whatsoever! God, I need some chocolate and I've brushed my teeth already! Never mind, I'll brush them again!!!! And I'm not cooking for them ever again! I don't give a fuck! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! My dear, have I mentioned I HATE HIM!!!! And the other one, who is snoring as I write this down, too!!! It's virtually unbearable to survive here! How could I possibly function here when I can't get the absolute necessary GOOD NIGHT SLEEP???!!!!!! Someday I'm just gonna break and shoot someone, just wait and see!!
I love you, thanx for listening!

Diary Of Krk IX

You wouldn't believe this, I'm telling you. Ok, here goes: I met someone.I know, it's quite dumb, I've met dozens of people already, but I think this is a special kind of someone. I met him last night, he came with Robert's partner (have I mentioned Robi's a policeman?) Alen and I don't know if that's only my imagination but I really believe we sort of just clicked. Soon we were talking as if we knew each other for years. His name is Hrvoje, he was born on September 16, 1981 so he's just a few months older than me and he's a sailor. Yeah, I know, to meet another one while working as a waitress... one would say it might be a pattern but I'd rather consider it a coincidence. Anyway, Alen, Jelena, Hrvoje and me wanted to go to have some pizza last night after I was done but then came this bunch of people who kept me here until 3am so that didn't work. But then he came back this morning, again with Alen who went diving, and left him here. So he was here basically the whole day and so we chatted some more and I really like him. He looks a bit like Mirza Džomba (no joke) but is prettier. And you know me, at first I don't give a fuck about physical appearance, I'm only interested in personality, and then I change my mind and wish they were someone else.
Anyway, I'm way off now, nothing happened, chances are nothing ever will. I don't quite see how anything could happen. There's just no opportunity. And the complications...
Like the rumours, believe it or not, people are already starting to talk. It's sad, really, how obvious I am when I like someone, I can't hide it. I smile like an idiot, I only have eyes for the one person and I can't concentrate on anything. I broke a bottle today.
And the saddest part is that it's all in vain. We all very well know how things come uot when I get my hopes up. I should know better for once and get out while I can. I only hope Sonja wouldn't blab everything out to Vaki 'cause then mum will come by foot and take me home just to stop me from, Heaven forbid, possible having sex. But have no fear, no such thing will happen.
Anyway, I'm very sleepy, I've slept for maybe 2,5 hours and I should get some sleep but that probably won't happen with our living arrangement. You know...

Diary Of Krk VIII

It's 12.30pm and I've got a headache. I must take a pill. Hold on.
Ok, I'm back. I didn't sleep much last night. J and I went to this gas-station in the middle of nowhere where you can get pizza at 2am. We went there two nights ago and we met this waiter, Mihael, who turned out to be from Višnjevac and his brother got married and moved to darda. Seriously, the small world.
Anyway, I would have gotten some sleep this morning if there weren't for these two dicks that I'm forced to live with who have no consideration for anyone else but themselves. They literally shout and squeek and slam the doors even though I'm SLEEPING RIGHT HERE! They don't give a fuck. And they snore the whole night through so every now and then that wakes me up and then B says I'mnervous and need to relax. How could I possibly relax when there are so many things that drive me crazy?!! Like the fact that they never do the dishes. Oh, they mess them up real good but then just leave them around, here and there and everywhere: glasses, plates, cups, knives, bags, crumbs, food...It's unbeliveable!!!! And then I NEEEED to clean it up because I can't live like that. But you know what: If I wanted to clean all kinds of crap after a man I don't love I would have married someone already.
And listen to this: yesterday afternoon I was making these little deep fried cookies and then B said he didn't like them all that much so if I could make him some pop-corn that would be great. I said I would if he'd wash up after and then he looked at me as if I was mad. Naturally, I did make him his fucking pop-corn and I did clean up but after seeing this morning all of the new mess they've made, I'm not sure I'm gonna be doing anything else for him again soon. Oh, and I didn't clean it. I know, J will do it when she comes back but that's her choice.
Vaki's 22 today and she's having a tea-party this afternoon.
Oh boy, I feel a lot better now I've told you just about everything that was on my mind. Unfortunately, I told it to J also and now I'm worrried it might come to someone it shouldn't. I hope it won't.
Let me make some lunch now.

Diary Of Krk VII

It's almost impossible to say if it's Sunday or Tuesday in this place. I have to ask people what day it is. Today is very windy,the wind broke two ashtrays at the cafe. I meant to sunbath today but it's just not warm enough. I know, excuses, excuses...
I went for a coffee and once again there was Mirza Džomba. He's really cute. He's not pretty, he's not even handsome but I like him. Like I said, the variety of men here is really limited.
We've got another room-mate, an instructor from Slovenia, Dule. Branimir once told me he was a complicated man. I couldn't say, not yet anyway. He's been here for two days. The hot instructor, Marijan, hasn't ben returning yet. I kinda miss the view of him.
I'm bored. I got really tired today, there was a lot of walking. I also made some pancakes this afternoon. And now I'm sleepy.
I'm going home this Saturday. I wanna go and I DON'T wanna go. I wanna bo because of the obvious but I don't wanna go because I think it's gonna be real hard to come back again after I'm back in my own bed and with mum, dad, Vaki, Sonja, Ferdo, debeli... you know, the whole bunch. But it may not be that hard 'cause I'll know what I'm coming back to, for now I know how things work around here. Anyway, I need to close my eyes now for a while, I find it hard to keep them open. I'll talk to you soon.