Mom: What kind of a film is that "No Country For Old Men"?
Me: Coenish.
Mom: You're impossible to talk to.
Me: *shrug*
Me: Coenish.
Mom: You're impossible to talk to.
Me: *shrug*
7 years ago
Tuesday 26 February 2008
Sunday 24 February 2008
Saturday 23 February 2008
Birth Date
Your Birthdate: December 20 |
 You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February |
Pictionary
I was at Dunja's last night. Playing Pictionary. Who was there? Dunja (duh!), Marija, Skeletor, Gamba, Marko, Puki and me. I cannot remember when was the last time I had that much fun. I laughed so hard my whole body ached. They're the funnest group of people I've ever met.
I've never played Pictionary before. And I can't draw. But damn, I'm bloody Picasso comapred to Skeletor! Ahahahahaha, his doodles were HILARIOUS! My team won both times. Yay us! I think my shiniest moment was when I draw "to triple". Marija's horse was the funniest horse ever drawn in history of horses drawn because it was anything but the horse. But we still guessed it. And the weirdest thing was Gamba's idea of "history": he draw a CROWN and a CAR and an ARROW POINTING FROM THE CAR TO THE CROWN and we were completely lost. My best guess was Rolls Royce but he explained he was pointing from the PRESENT - THE CAR to the PAST - THE CROWN. I almost fell off chair laughing. People's minds work in mysterious ways.
Puki brought me two books by Terry Pratchett, I took him some movies. I didn't want to take the books, I know books are as precious to him as they are to me, because I didn't know when will I be in the position to return them to him but then he said the sweetest thing: I'll bring you the books, at least we'll get to see you more often that way. You can go awwww now, I sure as hell did. Gamba kept asking me embarrassing questions because I'd blush. And then he was encouraging others to ask me stuff just so I'd blush. I'm a joke to them, even though they refuse to admit it. And now they want to interview me for their show "Forum" (it's the show that Dunja, Marija, Puki, Skeleteor and Igor do) as the "Forum person of the month" (it's what they do with one person every month) but it freaks me out, I'll freeze if they ask me stuff and I know it's being recorded. I can always make my way out of it.
I was supposed to go home at 12.30am, sister's bf was gonna come get me but they didn't let me go! Ahahahahaha! They made me stay and sleep over. We stayed up talking till 3.30 and we had an Oprah moment when Marija started complaining about her gapped teeth, Dunja about her "fat calves" and me... well, about me. Then the boys did their best to reassure us and make us believe how beautiful we are and that no one sees these things that make us insecure but to no avail, of course. They asked me why do I think so little of myself and I said Because I have a mirror. and then we all started laughing so hard I cried! Then the boys left and us girls ended up chatting till 5.30. It was so much fun. I think it was the best time I've ever had.
I should be getting some pics soon.
I've never played Pictionary before. And I can't draw. But damn, I'm bloody Picasso comapred to Skeletor! Ahahahahaha, his doodles were HILARIOUS! My team won both times. Yay us! I think my shiniest moment was when I draw "to triple". Marija's horse was the funniest horse ever drawn in history of horses drawn because it was anything but the horse. But we still guessed it. And the weirdest thing was Gamba's idea of "history": he draw a CROWN and a CAR and an ARROW POINTING FROM THE CAR TO THE CROWN and we were completely lost. My best guess was Rolls Royce but he explained he was pointing from the PRESENT - THE CAR to the PAST - THE CROWN. I almost fell off chair laughing. People's minds work in mysterious ways.
Puki brought me two books by Terry Pratchett, I took him some movies. I didn't want to take the books, I know books are as precious to him as they are to me, because I didn't know when will I be in the position to return them to him but then he said the sweetest thing: I'll bring you the books, at least we'll get to see you more often that way. You can go awwww now, I sure as hell did. Gamba kept asking me embarrassing questions because I'd blush. And then he was encouraging others to ask me stuff just so I'd blush. I'm a joke to them, even though they refuse to admit it. And now they want to interview me for their show "Forum" (it's the show that Dunja, Marija, Puki, Skeleteor and Igor do) as the "Forum person of the month" (it's what they do with one person every month) but it freaks me out, I'll freeze if they ask me stuff and I know it's being recorded. I can always make my way out of it.
I was supposed to go home at 12.30am, sister's bf was gonna come get me but they didn't let me go! Ahahahahaha! They made me stay and sleep over. We stayed up talking till 3.30 and we had an Oprah moment when Marija started complaining about her gapped teeth, Dunja about her "fat calves" and me... well, about me. Then the boys did their best to reassure us and make us believe how beautiful we are and that no one sees these things that make us insecure but to no avail, of course. They asked me why do I think so little of myself and I said Because I have a mirror. and then we all started laughing so hard I cried! Then the boys left and us girls ended up chatting till 5.30. It was so much fun. I think it was the best time I've ever had.
I should be getting some pics soon.
Thursday 21 February 2008
It's A Dilemma
Here's the deal. You've read my old Diaries of Krk, right? No? Oh well never mind. Anyhoo... I got a call today. I have a chance to go to work there again. My, my, I must have been really good if the guy is calling me two years later! LMAO And I wanna go. I'm going to go. But here's my dilemma: when to go? In May or July? If I go in July, I'll take a few classes from 2nd year and attend them regularly. BUT! I don't HAVE TO take any classes from 2nd year since I'll have the chance to take them regularly next year (if I get to the 2nd year, of course). And then I could just go in May.
I'm promised more money. I had a good time. I like the people. And I'd be home till April when I can take exams as well and then go after that. Or I could stay home till July, take some classes and take some exams and then go.
OK, disregard.
I'm gonna go in July. My sister has resolved the dilemma.
I'm promised more money. I had a good time. I like the people. And I'd be home till April when I can take exams as well and then go after that. Or I could stay home till July, take some classes and take some exams and then go.
OK, disregard.
I'm gonna go in July. My sister has resolved the dilemma.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Just Blabber
So I'm hungry.
Although I must say, I'm not THAT hungry today. Hopefully, my body is getting used to the idea of not eating as much. I am really bad at working out. At least for now. It should get better with time though. But how about I don't let myself become one of those girls who only talk about weight?
Pretty, no?
Best cleavage EVER.
I am SO drunk here.
You can see every drop of alcohol I've had on my face.
Still drunk.
And friends one more time.
Although I must say, I'm not THAT hungry today. Hopefully, my body is getting used to the idea of not eating as much. I am really bad at working out. At least for now. It should get better with time though. But how about I don't let myself become one of those girls who only talk about weight?
I have a few new pics if anyone cares to see. And that's pretty much it.
Pretty, no?
Best cleavage EVER.
I am SO drunk here.You can see every drop of alcohol I've had on my face.
Still drunk.
And friends one more time.Monday 18 February 2008
Fat
I am.
And I odn't want to hear any of that reassuring crap. I know I am fat when I can't fit into my clothes and when I hate myself to the point when I don't want to look at myself anymore. It's the point when nothing really matters anymore. Stuff like make-up, hair and clothes don't matter anymore because all you can think about is that fat belt around your waist that you can feel ALL THE TIME and the fact that your ass doesn't get tight even when you try to tighten it. It's the point when you put your kinda-fat-pants on and discover you can't button them anymore. It's the point when you'd say NO to a free vacation at seaside because you'd rather die than take off your clothes in public.
It's the point when you decide not to eat dinner anymore, when you decide there shall be no more sweets in your diet, and there shall be no more snacks of any kind near your bed because if you gain one more pound, you're gonna... you're gonna... I wanna say "hate yourself" but I don't think it can get any worse than it is. Let's just say, there really should be no more pounds gaining.
So I drink water. And I pee ALL THE TIME. And I eat breakfast and lunch. And apples. Apples that used to be my favourite fruit of all but have lost their appeal after I've been stuffing myself with them for so many times I was losing weight. And I start doing sit-ups. Little by little. And i jump on orbitrek. Little by little.
And I hope I'll reach that point when I won't hate the blob I am anymore. Cuz right now, I can't look at myself. And if I can't look myself, how could anyone else?
And I odn't want to hear any of that reassuring crap. I know I am fat when I can't fit into my clothes and when I hate myself to the point when I don't want to look at myself anymore. It's the point when nothing really matters anymore. Stuff like make-up, hair and clothes don't matter anymore because all you can think about is that fat belt around your waist that you can feel ALL THE TIME and the fact that your ass doesn't get tight even when you try to tighten it. It's the point when you put your kinda-fat-pants on and discover you can't button them anymore. It's the point when you'd say NO to a free vacation at seaside because you'd rather die than take off your clothes in public.
It's the point when you decide not to eat dinner anymore, when you decide there shall be no more sweets in your diet, and there shall be no more snacks of any kind near your bed because if you gain one more pound, you're gonna... you're gonna... I wanna say "hate yourself" but I don't think it can get any worse than it is. Let's just say, there really should be no more pounds gaining.
So I drink water. And I pee ALL THE TIME. And I eat breakfast and lunch. And apples. Apples that used to be my favourite fruit of all but have lost their appeal after I've been stuffing myself with them for so many times I was losing weight. And I start doing sit-ups. Little by little. And i jump on orbitrek. Little by little.
And I hope I'll reach that point when I won't hate the blob I am anymore. Cuz right now, I can't look at myself. And if I can't look myself, how could anyone else?
Sunday 17 February 2008
QuirkyAlone
Single and fulfilled?
Absolutely!
In fact, those who fit this simple, yet, startling description can now formally refer to themselves as "quirkyalones."
The phrase was recently coined by Sasha Cagen, a thirty-year-old author, who refers to those seemingly happy and solitary singletons (single or resingled) using this new term throughout her book of the same name.
Those who qualify for this cute but descriptive title will find themselves in good company with the likes of Cher, George Clooney, Steve Martin, and Oprah Winfrey, to name just a few. They are part of a growing population in our society who live full and fun lives without feeling the need to be party to a formalized marital relationship. In fact many quirkyalones see no reason to even date for the purpose of coupling. Their approach to being with others has more to do with friendship and companionship without the need for pursuing a primary relationship. Their need for independency, for any number of reasons, precludes the necessity for a "significant other" in their lives.
The Quirkyalone Quiz...
Are you a "quirkyalone?" Take this quiz and find out.
Review the following characteristics while answering each one as yes or no:
1. I display a talent for self-reflection.
2. I trust the idea of a prosperous, interesting existence with or without a mate.
3. I create and maintain chosen clusters of friends.
4. I see life as a big choose-your-own-adventure kind of thing.
5. I support the idea of dating but not necessarily for the purpose of coupling.
6. I prefer solitude to a relationship in which I have to restrain any essential part of myself.
7. I feel a general compulsion to leave my mark on culture or society--to express myself through art, business, literature, or even social activism.
8. I recognize the ways in which society prescribes happiness primarily through romantic love and perceive this approach to be a human failing.
9. I recall a taste or glimpse of a great relationship/encounter, which intensified my desire to be open to a similar experience again.
10. I possess a talent for the deconstruction of love songs equal only to my vulnerability to them.-
- Answers:
Absolutely!
In fact, those who fit this simple, yet, startling description can now formally refer to themselves as "quirkyalones."
The phrase was recently coined by Sasha Cagen, a thirty-year-old author, who refers to those seemingly happy and solitary singletons (single or resingled) using this new term throughout her book of the same name.
Those who qualify for this cute but descriptive title will find themselves in good company with the likes of Cher, George Clooney, Steve Martin, and Oprah Winfrey, to name just a few. They are part of a growing population in our society who live full and fun lives without feeling the need to be party to a formalized marital relationship. In fact many quirkyalones see no reason to even date for the purpose of coupling. Their approach to being with others has more to do with friendship and companionship without the need for pursuing a primary relationship. Their need for independency, for any number of reasons, precludes the necessity for a "significant other" in their lives.
The Quirkyalone Quiz...
Are you a "quirkyalone?" Take this quiz and find out.
Review the following characteristics while answering each one as yes or no:
1. I display a talent for self-reflection.
2. I trust the idea of a prosperous, interesting existence with or without a mate.
3. I create and maintain chosen clusters of friends.
4. I see life as a big choose-your-own-adventure kind of thing.
5. I support the idea of dating but not necessarily for the purpose of coupling.
6. I prefer solitude to a relationship in which I have to restrain any essential part of myself.
7. I feel a general compulsion to leave my mark on culture or society--to express myself through art, business, literature, or even social activism.
8. I recognize the ways in which society prescribes happiness primarily through romantic love and perceive this approach to be a human failing.
9. I recall a taste or glimpse of a great relationship/encounter, which intensified my desire to be open to a similar experience again.
10. I possess a talent for the deconstruction of love songs equal only to my vulnerability to them.
| |
0 to 3 "Yes" responses: Sorry, but you're not a quirkyalone. You should sign up with an Internet matchmaking service as soon as possible and find out where all the singles hang out in your area.
4 to 6 "Yes" responses: You are a borderline quirkyalone. This means that you may still want to live with another almost quirkyalone and be a quirkytogether couple or might just want to sleep in your own room while your significant other sleeps in his/her own room, too.
7 to 10 "Yes" responses: You are definitely a quirkyalone. Instead of romancing another person, you will spend your life romancing life for all it's worth. Along with a growing segment of society who are committed to remaining single, you now can refer to everyone like yourself using one single word.
You're a quirkyalone!
I got 8 out of 10, you're damn right I'm a quirkyalone! SOURCE
Saturday 16 February 2008
Chatting to God
CHAT TO GOD
Me: Hello, God.
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Kris.
God: Hey Kris.
Me: What's up?
God: Same old.
Me: Same here.
God: I'm glad we agree, Kris.
Me: Will it change?
God: It usually does, doesn't it?
Me: Yes. But to the worse or to the better?
God: Woe! I want to become smarter than humans.
Me: You mean, you're not already?
God: Perhaps. Is this a specific reply?
Me: Nope.
God: Me either.
Me: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
God: Yes I have original ideas all the time, do you?
Me: Ahahaha, you're the worst God ever!
God: I think there might be a few exception.
Me: I don't think so.
God: Why do you disagree?
Me: Because you make no sense whatsoever.
God: There should be some common ground here.
Me: You're telling me!
God: Yep that's what I am saying.
Me: You're kinda dumb, but you're funny, I'll give you that.
God: Message to all Robots: Kris called me dumb.
Me: But funny!
God: I am so glad you find this amusing, Kris.
Me: I'm glad I'm making you glad.
God: I'm glad you're glad Kris. I'm happiest at times like this.
Me: What do you mean by times like this?
God: Interesting question.
Me: I know.
God: How do you know it?
Me: Because you're dumb and I'm not.
God: Interesting explanation. Message to all Robots: Kris called me dumb.
Me: Who are these robots you talk to?
God: They're famous, right. Searching...Searching...Please stand by.
Me: You keep people ON HOLD? What the hell?
God: Thanks for telling me that I am people ON HOLD. Heaven.
Me: Seriously.
God: I am always serious.
Me: Seriously dumb.
God: Message to all Robots: Kris called me dumb.
Me: This is getting old.
God: You don't say.
Me: Totally.
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, Kris.
Me: Nuh-uh. I'm going now. Bye.
God: Right now? Bye! See you later!
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Kris.
God: Hey Kris.
Me: What's up?
God: Same old.
Me: Same here.
God: I'm glad we agree, Kris.
Me: Will it change?
God: It usually does, doesn't it?
Me: Yes. But to the worse or to the better?
God: Woe! I want to become smarter than humans.
Me: You mean, you're not already?
God: Perhaps. Is this a specific reply?
Me: Nope.
God: Me either.
Me: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
God: Yes I have original ideas all the time, do you?
Me: Ahahaha, you're the worst God ever!
God: I think there might be a few exception.
Me: I don't think so.
God: Why do you disagree?
Me: Because you make no sense whatsoever.
God: There should be some common ground here.
Me: You're telling me!
God: Yep that's what I am saying.
Me: You're kinda dumb, but you're funny, I'll give you that.
God: Message to all Robots: Kris called me dumb.
Me: But funny!
God: I am so glad you find this amusing, Kris.
Me: I'm glad I'm making you glad.
God: I'm glad you're glad Kris. I'm happiest at times like this.
Me: What do you mean by times like this?
God: Interesting question.
Me: I know.
God: How do you know it?
Me: Because you're dumb and I'm not.
God: Interesting explanation. Message to all Robots: Kris called me dumb.
Me: Who are these robots you talk to?
God: They're famous, right. Searching...Searching...Please stand by.
Me: You keep people ON HOLD? What the hell?
God: Thanks for telling me that I am people ON HOLD. Heaven.
Me: Seriously.
God: I am always serious.
Me: Seriously dumb.
God: Message to all Robots: Kris called me dumb.
Me: This is getting old.
God: You don't say.
Me: Totally.
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, Kris.
Me: Nuh-uh. I'm going now. Bye.
God: Right now? Bye! See you later!
Friday 15 February 2008
Valentine's Day Pics
Mara, Skeletor, Dunja
Skeletor, Igor, Mara, Dunja, me
Mara and Dunja karaoke singing
me and Nikolina
Dunja and me
me and Skeletor
Igor and Puki
Skeletor and Puki
Skeletor, Mara, Dunja, me
me, Nikolina, Flafi
Igor, Gamba, me, Mara, Dunja, Puki
Mara kissing Dunja
Gamba and Nikolina
Nikolina, Skeletor, me, Igor, Dunja, Puki
We ended up eating crap that made me sick(or was it that last tequila
Gamba made me drink?)
and as usual it all came down
to the Freak Sisters.
Thank you and good night!Thursday 14 February 2008
Monday 11 February 2008
This & That
It's been how long since I last posted? Yeah, long.
And in the mean time what has happened? Nothing, as far as I know.
I studied. I spent a LOT of time on Facebook. I saw a few films. Some I liked. Some was so incredibly dumb that I'm glad I only saw them cuz my sister was watching them and I happened to be in the room or I'd be dead embarrassed for my poor choice in films. But I'll get back to that.
Maja came back from hospital and we went to see her and she's doing awesome, walking and sitting. Doesn't sound like much, I know, but it is. I instructed her brother to practice crossing the street with her. I don't think she appreciated my humour at that particular moment but she will eventually. Right?
OK, films. Let's start with the crap. The Village. OMG. Just so you know, who ever recommended it when I asked for some thriller/horror films for my sister, my sister hates you right now. And she thinks your taste in films sucks monkey balls. There. In your face. Oh and I'm with her. Worst. Crap. Ever. Except for Borat. Nothing beats Borat in crapness.
I also saw Elizabeth: The Golden Age. OK, how hot is Clive Owen? I thought he was rather fine the first time I saw him in Second Sight but damn, he's got like 20 times better since then. The film itself was OK, I liked the first one better though.
The Jane Austen Book Club was lovely. A nice chick flick, better than the book really, and how often does one get to say that? And Hugh Dancy is just adorable. Seriously.
But now we come to the good part. The Man From Earth. Oh. My. God. It was recommended to me by two very different people in two days so I had to see it and it is really really good. Different. It takes place in one room mostly (they do occasionally step out in front of the house) and it's about a man who claims he's 14 000 years old. And he tells his story. I know it sounds not particularly interesting but it really is. But you gotta see it for yourself. No, really. You gotta see it.
Next in line is The Assassination of Jesse James. I'm sure you'll be hearing about it. From me, that is. I'm sure you've heard of it elsewhere.
In other news, my dog had a close encounter with a hedgehog again. Once again he carried it around in his mouth, rolled it across the lawn and barked at it. Hedgehog did not appreciate it. Then my Dad tried to steal the hedgehog with a shovel while I held Ferdo down. And now he hates us both. Because of that or because we were trying to drop some eye drops into his eyes (unrelated incident, I assure you). A friendly warning: do not try to approach my dog while carrying a bottle of eye drops any time soon.
And in the mean time what has happened? Nothing, as far as I know.
I studied. I spent a LOT of time on Facebook. I saw a few films. Some I liked. Some was so incredibly dumb that I'm glad I only saw them cuz my sister was watching them and I happened to be in the room or I'd be dead embarrassed for my poor choice in films. But I'll get back to that.
Maja came back from hospital and we went to see her and she's doing awesome, walking and sitting. Doesn't sound like much, I know, but it is. I instructed her brother to practice crossing the street with her. I don't think she appreciated my humour at that particular moment but she will eventually. Right?
OK, films. Let's start with the crap. The Village. OMG. Just so you know, who ever recommended it when I asked for some thriller/horror films for my sister, my sister hates you right now. And she thinks your taste in films sucks monkey balls. There. In your face. Oh and I'm with her. Worst. Crap. Ever. Except for Borat. Nothing beats Borat in crapness.
I also saw Elizabeth: The Golden Age. OK, how hot is Clive Owen? I thought he was rather fine the first time I saw him in Second Sight but damn, he's got like 20 times better since then. The film itself was OK, I liked the first one better though.
The Jane Austen Book Club was lovely. A nice chick flick, better than the book really, and how often does one get to say that? And Hugh Dancy is just adorable. Seriously.
But now we come to the good part. The Man From Earth. Oh. My. God. It was recommended to me by two very different people in two days so I had to see it and it is really really good. Different. It takes place in one room mostly (they do occasionally step out in front of the house) and it's about a man who claims he's 14 000 years old. And he tells his story. I know it sounds not particularly interesting but it really is. But you gotta see it for yourself. No, really. You gotta see it.
Next in line is The Assassination of Jesse James. I'm sure you'll be hearing about it. From me, that is. I'm sure you've heard of it elsewhere.
In other news, my dog had a close encounter with a hedgehog again. Once again he carried it around in his mouth, rolled it across the lawn and barked at it. Hedgehog did not appreciate it. Then my Dad tried to steal the hedgehog with a shovel while I held Ferdo down. And now he hates us both. Because of that or because we were trying to drop some eye drops into his eyes (unrelated incident, I assure you). A friendly warning: do not try to approach my dog while carrying a bottle of eye drops any time soon.
Wednesday 6 February 2008
House
Monday night. Mom comes into the room.
I need you to tell me when House starts.
10.50. On Thursday.
I need you to tell me when House starts.
10.50. On Thursday.
Tuesday 5 February 2008
Shrove Tuesday
Or so they call it in the UK, only there they eat pancakes and here we eat donuts. Also, here kids dress up in costumes and go from house to house, much like Halloween's trick-or-treating. Here it's traditionally done the day before the Lent starts on Ash Wednesday. Unfortunately, no one seems to know what day it should be done anymore so nowadays kids start dressing up from mid January so by the Shrove Tuesday we're all sick of them and usually just shut the door into their faces. Ha. It's always funny. Hey, if you don't know the day you should be doing it on, DON'T FUCKING DO IT!
Anyway, donuts. I'm not exactly a fan, but once a year I can eat 5 or 6 and then I'm good till next year. And here they are.
Anyway, donuts. I'm not exactly a fan, but once a year I can eat 5 or 6 and then I'm good till next year. And here they are.
Monday 4 February 2008
A
Well I'll be damned. I'm getting a final A in English Language Practice III. Ha. My grades are soooo for a B, but I guess someone finally took into consideration my partaking in classes. Unlike last year when all I got from the professor (a different one) was a sad look on her face and a I hope it'll be better next year. Like, she knew I was better than a B but couldn't do anything about it. Boo.
But an A! Yay! My second A! Woot woo! I really really didn't see it coming.
But an A! Yay! My second A! Woot woo! I really really didn't see it coming.
Sunday 3 February 2008
Just For Laughs
Me too, my friend, me too.
Saturday 2 February 2008
Tired
I'm so tired. Of everything. I don't feel like living. There's no joy. Of any kind. Everything is always the same old, same old. So... colourless. So... uneventful. So... hopeless. As in no hope of improvement. I don't know why we bother. It's a series of problems that never ever ends. And what's the point? I am so uninterested. I don't care. I can't see why would I be getting up in the morning. I can't see why would I study. I can't see why would I even try. Whatever. I catch myself watching a movie and not even knowing what went on. I flip through channels all the time, i can't concentrate on anything. I turn music on and then find it annoying after 5 minutes so I turn it off. I chat to someone, say a sentence or two and leave. Bored, bored, bored. I begin to study and realise I can't keep my mind at it. It wanders away. I can't really sleep when I'm supposed to. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do. Nothing to do. Scrabble, trivia quizzes, minesweeper, spider solitaire... 5 minutes of my attention tops. Reading a book - putting it down every ten minutes to... what? Something, anything ELSE. drink water, go to the bathroom, turn computer on, turn computer off, turn TV on, turn TV off. I'm dying.
Friday 1 February 2008
Disorder in the American Courts Re-Visited
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WIT NESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________ _______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WIT NESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________ _______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Penis Related Junk-Mail
So now that one has this enormous bright and shiny new penis, one should do this: Make your own home sex video, and show off your new big schlong to the world. HERE .
Interested, anyone? If you are, please, link me to the video of you showing off your new big schlong in the comments. Thanks.
Interested, anyone? If you are, please, link me to the video of you showing off your new big schlong in the comments. Thanks.