I've been thinking about sex today. (Majo i Anja, možda je bolje da ovo preskočite...)
To be more precise, I've been thinking about me NOT having sex. Not only not having it but not wanting to have it. Ever. Again. (Or, y'know, never say never but at least for now.)
So why is that so? I'll try to explain. If it's too much for you, by all means, do go away.
OK, here goes.
In theory, I like sex. At one point, I even liked having it. Unfortunately, the last time that happened I was 19. Yes. 19. It was with a guy who knew how to get to me, how to make me relax, how to make me feel right, and yeah, how to turn me on. Hell, I would almost cum on my way to see him just thinking about what he did last time. It was with him that I learned what the sex was really about and how sex is supposed to feel. I was free with him. I had no problem with getting up and walking across the room naked. Now... I'm not comfortable being naked with myself. Funny? Sad? I don't know.
I've slept with a few other guys after him (yeah, maybe two or three in 6 years) but it was never nearly as good. Not even close. I don't quite know why. See, I wasn't traumatised by horrible sex because of... I don't know... pain or an inconsiderate partner or whatever. One would think that I would be looking forward to it after that guy. But somehow that didn't happen. In fact, it seems as if I am getting more and more uncomfortable about the whole thing (if I can even say "more and more" since I basically don't even have sex). Instead of growing up and experiencing sex like something completely natural and enjoyable, like any other normal person does, I try real hard not to get myself in the situation that might lead to it (OK, I don't try real hard, it's not like I get offers for sex on every corner).
There are few reasons. 1) I don't like to show my body to anyone. I really, really hate my breasts. I hate how different they are. I hate how odd they are. I don't want anyone to see them again. 2) I worry about everything. I worry if I'm gonna get pregnant. I worry if I'm gonna catch a disease. I worry about doing things right. I worry about looking good. I worry about making weird sounds (which is really strange since I'm usually so freaked out that I don't make a sound). 3) It feels stupid. Embarrassing. The whole process. The sounds people make are stupid. Men make stupid faces while having sex (not that women don't, but I only had the opportunity to look at men at that particular situation). Putting clothes on after is an awkward situation. 4) I don't feel good. I cannot relax. I need someone who would be willing to work on me (cannot think of a better expression here) until I'm ready to open up (again, I don't mean literally). And as I get older, it's only harder to let that happen. How can I explain to someone that I am basically a beginner? That I don't know anything? That I may not be a real virgin but not far from one?
I don't think I am frigid (although many men would probably disagree). In theory, I like sex. I like to be touched. I like making out. I like to feel skin under my fingers. As long as my clothes stays on. I like to read about sex (but I also like to read about teenage wizards fighting Lord Voldemort so maybe that doesn't mean anything). I like to see people having sex (on TV, not peeking through people's windows). It's only the actual act of sex that I have a problem with.
Am I a freak?
(And does this explain why I have been single for the last 2 years?)
To be more precise, I've been thinking about me NOT having sex. Not only not having it but not wanting to have it. Ever. Again. (Or, y'know, never say never but at least for now.)
So why is that so? I'll try to explain. If it's too much for you, by all means, do go away.
OK, here goes.
In theory, I like sex. At one point, I even liked having it. Unfortunately, the last time that happened I was 19. Yes. 19. It was with a guy who knew how to get to me, how to make me relax, how to make me feel right, and yeah, how to turn me on. Hell, I would almost cum on my way to see him just thinking about what he did last time. It was with him that I learned what the sex was really about and how sex is supposed to feel. I was free with him. I had no problem with getting up and walking across the room naked. Now... I'm not comfortable being naked with myself. Funny? Sad? I don't know.
I've slept with a few other guys after him (yeah, maybe two or three in 6 years) but it was never nearly as good. Not even close. I don't quite know why. See, I wasn't traumatised by horrible sex because of... I don't know... pain or an inconsiderate partner or whatever. One would think that I would be looking forward to it after that guy. But somehow that didn't happen. In fact, it seems as if I am getting more and more uncomfortable about the whole thing (if I can even say "more and more" since I basically don't even have sex). Instead of growing up and experiencing sex like something completely natural and enjoyable, like any other normal person does, I try real hard not to get myself in the situation that might lead to it (OK, I don't try real hard, it's not like I get offers for sex on every corner).
There are few reasons. 1) I don't like to show my body to anyone. I really, really hate my breasts. I hate how different they are. I hate how odd they are. I don't want anyone to see them again. 2) I worry about everything. I worry if I'm gonna get pregnant. I worry if I'm gonna catch a disease. I worry about doing things right. I worry about looking good. I worry about making weird sounds (which is really strange since I'm usually so freaked out that I don't make a sound). 3) It feels stupid. Embarrassing. The whole process. The sounds people make are stupid. Men make stupid faces while having sex (not that women don't, but I only had the opportunity to look at men at that particular situation). Putting clothes on after is an awkward situation. 4) I don't feel good. I cannot relax. I need someone who would be willing to work on me (cannot think of a better expression here) until I'm ready to open up (again, I don't mean literally). And as I get older, it's only harder to let that happen. How can I explain to someone that I am basically a beginner? That I don't know anything? That I may not be a real virgin but not far from one?
I don't think I am frigid (although many men would probably disagree). In theory, I like sex. I like to be touched. I like making out. I like to feel skin under my fingers. As long as my clothes stays on. I like to read about sex (but I also like to read about teenage wizards fighting Lord Voldemort so maybe that doesn't mean anything). I like to see people having sex (on TV, not peeking through people's windows). It's only the actual act of sex that I have a problem with.
Am I a freak?
(And does this explain why I have been single for the last 2 years?)
12 spoke back:
I thought you were going to talk about SEX, you tricked me into reading with the title "Sex Talk" when actually it's "NO SEX TALK"!!!
*kidding*
My my, that is one constructive comment you got there, DOCTOR!
... Sowy... *lower head*
Well, sweetie, time to get serious it seems.
First of all, you are not abnormal. Some people just don't open up that easily. So what? Apparently, that guy you were with at nineteen was worth it. He had the patience and the will to "work on you". Men like that don't grow on trees.
It is NOT you. You seem like someone who is people shy, who doesn't easily trust someone. That is a hard thing to overcome. Why would it be any different in this aspect of your life? So I'm guessing that you will only be comfortable like that again around someone who you really trust. And trust is something that takes time. A lot of time. Unfortunately, at your age, most guys figure: if she isn't a virgin, she's up for it. These days, sex isn't regarded as something special to wait for anymore. I'm not a 'wait till you're married' advocate, but what I mean is, having sex on the first date, one night stands, casual sex... it has all become so standard these days, that someone like you, to whom it seems to me sex reflects something important, like trust, is considered to be outside the norm. You may not view it as that yourself, but upon reading your post, I'm thinking; sex is not some every day commodity to you. You need to feel secure first.
But guys in their twenties are used to getting to the sex before developing a meaningful emotional bond. And THAT is the problem here, not you.
It would be easy to tell you to just wait for the right guy, fall in love and he'll stick it out with you (no pun intended). It's harder than that. I get your fear about talking about this with some man, because after all, he may turn out different than you thought... And it would require you to open up... which is quite something.
I can however tell you that there are more people out there who have gone off sex somehow. I'm okay and back to loving it now, but I had two years of "really, I can't be bothered with it". Just the idea of having to take off my clothes, having to put in an effort (ANY effort), not being able to sleep during (go ahead, laugh)... pffff. And it wasn't like I didn't like to be touched either, and I liked getting myself off, just to release tension. It was... hell, what was it? Depression played a part, as did low self esteem. I recognize your boob problem, I had a major fat problem during that time. But more than that, I had a problem with ME. Anyway, long story short, I worked on myself and gained some perspective. I have more self esteem now, and guess what? I strut my stuff now. Oh yeah. Still fat, but a babe too ;)
And (not trying to make you feel bad with this, on the contrary) I was lucky enough to have a husband I trust completely. He never nagged me, pushed me, whatever. He had patience and love in abundance. He reassured me of his love many a time. It is in large part because of my security in his love that I overcame my self esteem issues and my sexual dry spell. And now... let's just say he listens to my needs a tad bit more keenly ;) Talking is key. I really hope you will find the man to listen to you some day. You'll find someone to trust enough eventually.
OK, if I'm way off the mark here, just ignore everything I've said.
Bel
Are you kidding me, Bel? Ignore?
I'm crying here.
Thank you for understanding. It means a lot since I really needed to get it off my chest.
Krissie, you know what I think and whenever you wanna talk, I'll listen.
But be sure you don't have any regrets..
and Bel, that comment. Wow. Even I got a little teary-eyed...
This is soo out of my league :)
But very interesting (maybe interesting is not the right word?)
Anyway, even if I can't relate to the sex part, I can relate to the affection part. Who doesn't need some lovin'?
And like Bel said, it's not you who's abnormal, it's our society who puts sex out as being nothing important, and to be quite frank ... Our society sucks!!And you rock :D
So ... don't lose hope, you have a great inner-self (I don't really now your outer-you, or whatever?LOL) and any man would be lucky to have you!!
You'll find your soulmate (if soulmates do exist, of course?I'm not yet sure if I believe in them or not?)And you'll have great Sex! :)
Xxx Julie
Hey, Jules!
Thanks for the comment.
I just have to say this: I'm not looking for true love here, I just think it would be nice if I could feel like a normal human being.
Well... yeah... hmmm all that pretty much... it's a little...
*pause*
I can hook you up with a great guy who likes the freaky stuff, what do you say?
how is that for a little pep talk?
I have similar problems K, and I'm IN a relationship... let's just say that boy suffers. but the good thing is we can talk about it, but still, what's stopping him from cheating? dunno. he is probably doing someone. If I were him, I would.
it all boils down to one thing for people who need to trust someone in order to open up and have (good) sex; they need someone to talk to, it's how you gain sb's trust. when you get your hands on such a guy, don't let go. after sex, you can always be buddies.
What can I say that hasn't already been said through the wisdom of Bel, SavMed, Julie, and Doc?
Krissie, before you aspire for normalcy, ask yourself what that really means first. I don't know anyone who fits that description because the concept of normal is entirely relative.
I should probably be very concerned about my less-than-stellar appearance when naked, but you know what, it is what it is, and feeling sexy is all about how your mind processes how you feel inside, not what you see in the mirror.
As far as sex is concerned, I, like Bel, had a good long dry spell during my marriage after my first child was born, which had a lot to do with my whacked-out chemical make-up as well as being a workaholic so I could avoid the problems that were brewing at home.
I'm all better now, especially since I'm now in my sexual prime, which is one of the great things about being a female in my 30s! ;)
If you're having trouble finding your libido, you may want to eliminate the possibility of any chemical imbalances...it's a more common feminine issue than you may think. You can take meds for it, but exercise and diet can also work wonders to get your proverbial juices flowing again.
One last thing...it's very important to find someone who's on the same exact page as you sexually, and that requires honest and open discourse with each other BEFORE sex happens. Still, don't over-analyze...sex is just sex, and it's so much better when it comes naturally for both involved.
This may be a bit of an over-share, but Papa Bear and I often laugh with (not at) each other A LOT during foreplay. It's mostly my fault since I'm such a goof, but he "gets" me and understands that it's important for me to get the giggles out before we get our groove on. A sense of humor is a great thing, and in a mate it's priceless. This is what I hope for you, Krissie dear...not laughable sex, per se, but ENJOYABLE sex. :) Good luck!
Mama Bear, was there ever such a thing as over-share with me? lol
And about you not worrying about your naked appearance anymore... You're married! I know you still want to be attractive to Papa Bear but I'm pretty sure it's nothing like trying or wanting to be attractive to someone you don't know that intimately. I could be wrong but it's still how I feel.
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