On the Bus

It's 10.16pm, somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Well, okay, I'm guessing we're still in Slovenia, but this could easily be Austria as well, as far as I know.

Behind me there's an old dude huffing and puffing all the way, as if he's personally driving this bus Fred-Flintstone-style. But then again, he drank a 0,5l can of beer at the bus station back in Osijek, then had a few more on the bus, and then another bottle at some train station we stopped at for a while a few hours back. Holding all that beer can't be an easy task, so.

It's raining, and it's cold, and this is one hell of an uncomfortable bus. I'm a freakin' midget and even I barely have room for my legs. But it's okay, 7,5 hours down, 12 to go.

I felt the beginning of a headache coming, and I foolishly didn't bring any painkillers. So I tried to cure it with chocolate. Yeah... it didn't really work.

Tomorrow I'll be stuck in an apartment only with my Austrian, solely-German-speaking, 70-year-old uncle Max. I sense a fun afternoon.

A woman siting in front of me has hit my precious laptop with her seat a couple of times now, so I think I'm gonna put it away for now. Stupid fellow passengers. If only I had some rocks...

...

9am. The sun came out around 8. Can't feel my feet even though I'm wearing two pairs of socks and boots. Germany is too damn cold.

Also, the bus driver suggested we met in Frankfurt or back in Osijek. Um... NO. What the hell, man? I do not want to meet gross old men for sex anywhere. Seriously, I need to find me an age-appropriate guy.

The beer dude got off the bus here in Mannheim. I'm pretty sure he farted all the time. And since he looked nothing like Jared, I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive him.

Okay, ARE WE THERE YET?! (Yeah, no.)

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

So plz to be forwarding all your throwable rocks to me. TIA.

Not just because a certain jailbait boy suddenly realised how young he really is and stopped communicating with me. Clearly, I'm not that resentful a person.

No, when I say boys are stupid, I mean men, and when I say men, I mean, that old guy in my computer class, and the mayor of my town, AND the jailbait ex-bf of mine. See? I have reasons.

Like, WTF, jailbait ex-bf? He was the one convincing me repeatedly that age don't matter when I was trying to be rational. Granted, his dick was in me at the time, but still. Then I frowned when he said he'd have kids in ten years or so (do the math, to be 39 or 40 is not the best age for giving birth for the first time), and the lines died. No voice chat, no e-mail, no text. Well, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH (and also, fuck you for making me use Lilly Allen to tell you to go fuck yourself). And man, it's not like I'm heartbroken or anything, I'm just angry at him for being so lame, and at myself for being a gullible idiot when I KNOW that boys are stupid and the only way to deal with them is to throw rocks at them.

In other bad news, apparently we're in the times of recession and my town can't really afford to pay me. So the job that they blew out of all proportion into this awesome opportunity ends after only three weeks. Yes. I will have worked for exactly 3 weeks and that's it. Which means I came home from Krk at least a month too soon for nothing. Let me put this into terms anyone could understand: I could've made $1,000. Instead, I'm gonna make $200. Our Mayor is stupid and I want to throw rocks at him.

Last but not least is the old dude from the class. Now, he's around 75 and doesn't own a computer. Clearly, it was never gonna be an easy task to teach him anything. So for the past two weeks I've been trying to teach him and the rest some basic things about Windows XP. Now, the first week all we did was to create, rename, move, delete, open and close, copy an paste FOLDERS. Also, to move files between FOLDERS. Also, to search for files in different FOLDERS. Then we created some Word documents that we saved in FOLDERS. When they were to continue formatting text in a certain document or so, they had to go to a certain FOLDER, open the document, and then, at the end of the class, save the document in the same or some other FOLDER. The icon of the little yellow folder should be engraved into everyone's brain by now. Yet when I tried to teach them how to add an attachment to an e-mail today, and the window to browse their documents opened, I could see that the old dude had no idea what to do. "Open this folder," I said. He stared at the screen. "Do you see the folders?" I asked, to which he replied "Yes!" while continuing to read the options in the toolbar!!! (I know because he moved the cursor under the words he was reading, okay?!

How can you not recognise a freakin' FOLDER when you see it after two weeks of staring at them?! Is it because you're stupid and rocks should be thrown at you? Why yes, I think that just might be the case.

Or I'm a terrible teacher. ... Nah, that can't be it, surely.

So... rocks. I'll be needing some.

Stop asking about my love life

Have a look at it instead.

Internetless

Well, obviously not entirely, but listen to this.

My boss' laptop gave all it had to give, apparently, and it died last year or so. Therefore, I have no computer at my disposal.

Right now I'm at the reception, charging my iPod and checking e-mail. I figured this would be a great time to upload the first of my video blogs I recorded today. Alas... First, I accidentally turned off the online radio playing at the cafe, playing instead the beginning of my video, for everyone to hear me stuttering in English. ... Yes, FAIL. And then, I started uploading the video to Youboob... which once again turned the radio off. Not enough bandwidth or something. So now I'll have to wait for the end of the shift, or come at ass o'clock in the morning. FML.

I survived a boat ride today! I am not a fan of boats, okay? It's just that there's all that SEA around that's unsettling. But I didn't hurl, and I didn't fall off of it, so I count it as a win. I even have a pic to prove it happened, but only on my cell, because of course, I forgot my camera. LOL

One of my colleagues asked if I'll go out with them tomorrow night. I might.

So long, farewell, Aufwiedersehen, goodbye...

I am off to Krk in an hour.

I've been absent lately, but it's rather time-consuming preparing for 2 months of living away from home. So, sorry about that. I'd say I'll try to be a better friend, but who knows how much Internet time (if any) I'll have, so.

Stay well, have a great summer, and I'll see you when I see you.

♥
Kris

When life gives you lemons...*

...don't you just wanna be somewhere where you can slice them up for cold beverages? Somewhere where random boys flirt with you just because you're the girl with the hand on the beer tap?

Well, I do. I want to be there yesterday.

I am surrounded by morons

#1 Yesterday there was a rerun of the "Jeeves & Wooster" pilot, and as I was watching it, my sister said: "Who is that actor? He looks so familiar!"

#2 I entered the kitchen today and saw our ancient little square fan turned on, but facing the wall. "Why is it facing the wall?", I asked as I turned it around. "Oh," my mother exclaims. "Is that why it's not cooling me? I thought it didn't matter which way it was turned, I figured it blew air both ways."

#3 My sister bought a new mixer with a rotating bowl. Unfortunately, one of the kneader wouldn't fit through the whole because of the plastic in it. I heard raised voices and complaints from the kitchen, so I went over there to investigate. The consensus seemed to be to go back to the store first thing tomorrow morning and demand new kneaders, because these clearly didn't fit. At least, until I pushed the plastic in with the kneader and it clicked.

I touch myself

Because the Internet told me to.





Subtle, Internet, really subtle.

Has anyone seen my youth around?

Today I realised the last three guys that expressed their interest in me sexually were all forty-something divorced men with teenage children.

Who the hell am I and when did I become her?!

Things change, they say

You know, I haven't had sex in a really long time, but if this is how ~things~ look nowadays, I'd rather pass anyway.

While my womb gently weeps...

Not even 2 months old, and already making international phone calls via Skype (with a little help of her Grandma).

Baby Ema

How is it even possible to be so cute??!

Of things unrelated

I have a beautiful baby niece Ema! Let me show you her!



~^~^~^~

I have new footwear! SHINY!



~^~^~^~

You know what would look good on that stumpy ankle? A tattoo.


OR


*iz thinking*

Oh, wow, really?

Like, someone wants to have this on their body forever?!

I said "there is nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."

It happens when, for the first time, you talk to someone from the other side of the world, and they sound just as dorky and adorable as you pictured them. (I'm looking at you, Lindy!)

It happens when your cousin, who you and your family could barely stand visiting once or twice a year, stops drinking and once again becomes almost a brother you remember from growing up.

It happens when his 6-year-old son, who barely knows you, curls up against you holding your hand as he watches cartoons.

It happens when that boy, asked if he loves his Aunt Dana, says Nooo, points his finger at you and adds, diese ist viel besser (this one is much better). And hey, "'From the mouths of little children..." and all that! :P

My hair. It is asymmetrical.

Ungulates!

I love Maichan because she brings rainbows and ponies into my life! Often combined.




There goes her street cred... :P
To restore it, I must add she also scared the crap out of me with her card that SPEWED A NINJA BUTTERFLYINTO MY FACE! Gaaaaaaah! Scary motherfucker.
I've since scared my Mom, Dad, sister, sister's BF, and an unsuspecting neighbour. MT would be proud - she first send it to Maichan, and it has been passed on. LOL

Not everyone in my family is happy to see a horse, though.
This is Ferdinand trying to chase the horse away.


The horse totally ignored him, so he tried a less subtle approach.

Poor dog, completely unaware of his size and how nonthreatening he is. *pets him*

"I'm okay!" the cake said.

The roof is fixed.

In other news, the glass on the oven door exploded yesterday.

It's a thin line between Aww end Eww

Think about baby animals.

Think about your childhood stuffed toys.

Think about picking up your favourite purple cow from a box and finding a nest of newborn mice living in the butchered insides of your childhood stuffed toys.

There. Now you know how I feel.

Krissie's Book Club

Well okay, I'm not Oprah, therefore I don't actually have a book club. I do, however, have a book I'd like to introduce to you. Lo and behold! (I don't actually know what that means, but it seemed appropriate.)

RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR is the touching tale of a living, breathing, thinking, sex toy that is hopelessly in love with its owner who views it as little more than an object.

It's not as bad as you thought, right? It's a little on the wacky side, but kinda endearing nonetheless.

Yeah well, keep on reading.

Imagine a world without men where the only way a woman can reproduce is with the help of a giant computerized incubator and a genetically engineered sex toy. Now imagine that this sex toy is intelligent. It has emotions and a soul. It hopes and dreams and it falls in love. This is the premise of Carlton Mellick III's RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR. One of the main characters "The Sister" is a nymphomaniac who is covered from head to toe in vaginas. Celsia is an Amazon warrior with pubic hair made of razor wire. The main character is a genetically engineered hermaphrodite sex toy named Celsia 2 who longs to be loved by his/her owner. Oh, but wait, there's more ... there's sex starved zombies, hordes of marauding rapists, twat frogs, a hoota beasts that is basically just a big hairy vagina with legs, and still another giant talking and apparently quite wise vagina built into the wall of the mansion in which many of these creatures reside.

I'll leave you with that.

As long as you're under my roof...

You were saying?

Flowers in the Attic & Other Asorted Crap

So we're cleaning our attic. For the first time in 63 years. Yep. The crap in our attic has been through a war intact. We found stuff my late grandma left there, the grandma that remarried and moved to another town in 1981. 'Nuff said.

We brought down our old school books and my diaries and notebooks with poems. I was one fuckin' emo teenager. The one with no gift for poetry whatsoever. Maybe if I stuck with the same motive, but that was so hard, considering how I was ~eternally in love~ with a different boy every other week. I even found my first fanfiction that I wrote before I even knew the concept existed. Obviously, we're talking blatant self-insert about meeting my favourite singer at his concert, falling madly in love at first sight, ad then marrying him to be living happily ever after in his castle in Ireland. What?! It could've happened! If, y'know, he didn't decide to become a monk and is now living in some monastery in France. God has come between me and my true love! *shakes fist*

Among my favourites there was a metal pipe with two holes near one end with a wire stuck through them, apparently with no purpose whatsoever, a car tyre, and an egg - a chicken egg, as it appears. Not boiled, not artificial. A real, live, albeit rotten, egg.

Another interesting thing was this... I guess it's some kind of a scrapbook with messages from 1884. 1884!! I have no idea what they say because it's pretty much all in Hungarian, with some German. It looks really pretty, though, so I took pictures.











Hot dude is hot. LOL

The absolute winner, however, is THIS:



That, my friends, is the contraception of the early 20th century. I kid you not. The woman would stick one end of a rubber hose at the end of the little thing sticking out at the bottom, pour warm water into the container, then shove the other end of the hose into her vagina after the intercourse, and wash the sperm out.

AT LEAST NOW I HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM OF CONTRACEPTION TO BRING WITH ME TO KRK.

Safe sex talk

Mom: I think this year, when you go to Krk, you should bring some protection with you.
Me: I'm bringing myself with me. Trust me, that's all the protection I need.

Get Big Dick...

...and be envied by every boy in town.

~¤~ HAPPY EASTER! ~¤~

The Inappropriate Egg Stickers Edition

This little dude at least had the decency to turn around, thus hiding his ~business~ from us, the innocent by-standers.


This one, however... Well. Let's just say it's a good thing everyone in my family is an adult.

LOL what?!

I got no plans and too much time

My Mum thinks my 41yo computer course teacher is hitting on me. Yeah. Just because he came over yesterday to hang out a bit with me. Which, okay, might be a bit weird to her, but that doesn't mean he's trying to get into my pants.

Him telling me I'm ~fascinating~, complimenting my make-up, and my perfume - that might mean he's trying to get into my pants, but my Mum doesn't know about that. :P

At least he's handsome.

In other news, the Boy took me to lunch the other day. I've had an amazing salad with lettuce, cabbage, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, carrots, grilled white turkey meat, grilled mushrooms, cottage cheese, and yogurt dressing. Fun fact: it's called ~the Fitness Salad~. LOL Anyway, I told a friend about the lunch and she said: You're dating. Totally, I said, except for the dating part.

The weather is finally spring-like. Of course, it means I'm trying to watch my diet again, and sort of exercise. I might get into the aerobics class here in the village, but that is gonna have to wait till my computer class ends on Friday. In the mean time, I'm doing some sit-ups, and run around with my dumb dog that just can't seem to grasp the concept of fetch, and yesterday I chased a 4yo boy around my house for about half an hour. I ended up drenched in sweat because come on, I was running! So I took him in my arms and said to him: Okay, kid, auntie K has to sit down now because she's old and is gonna collapse otherwise. And the kid, bless his heart, exclaims: You're not old! You're not, you're not! So, y'know. I LIKE THIS KID.

*facepalm*

Ugh, no. I think a dude from my computer course is hitting on me.

There's a reason for this blog's title

There's this across-the-street neighbour lady who likes to poke her nose into, well, everything. She was over yesterday when I came home from the course, and as I was heating my lunch she said she had to tell me about this thing her granddaughter said the other day.

Do tell, I say all politely, although I couldn't be less interested in this topic of conversation.

And this is what she says: She asked me the other day who was born first, you or your sister. I told her it was you, and then she asked me how come that your sister had a boyfriend and you didn't.

I smile faking amusement but, refuse to comment. She continues: I told her she'd have to ask you herself, and then she asked was it that you didn't like to kiss.

With the fakest smile plastered to my face I say something like Oh those kids!, grab my tray, and scurry to my room.

Seriously. There's no way in hell a 5yo would come to these conclusions on her own, especially, and I'm being realistic and not just mean, not a 5yo that is a product of combined genes of this woman's son and his wife. Way to be subtle asking about my love life.

Previously on "The Life of Kris"...

During the last three weeks I've been attending this ECDL (European Computer Driving License) course. Maybe you've noticed I haven't been around as much in the evening (that's my evening, not Maichan's), and that is why. It takes place every weeknight from 9 to 11pm. Funny, when I'm at home, I'm easily up till 1am or so, but there? I get sleepy at 10. LOL Anyway. I've learned so much interesting things, things like how to create a folder and rename it, how to edit a text file in MS Word, how to copasta shit from one place to another... It's overwhelming! [/heavy sarcasm] Blah, you guys. There's six other people in my group, and I couldn't care less for any of them. The guy teaching the course is pretty hot, though (also married and about 15 years older than me, but that's neither here nor there). My point is, computer time is seriously cutting into my computer time. And I've actually been offered to take an additiounal course after I have finished with this one, and become the course teacher myself. LMAO! Can you imagine me educating people on how to operate a computer? The idea is pretty fuckin' hilarious, but I dunno, I might even consider it.

Speaking of computers, boy, did I have troubles with mine this past week! Jesus. All I wanted was to go from WinXP to Win7, but of course, seeing how it's me we're talking about, everything that could've gone wrong, did. First, the new graphic card, that was allegedly required, couldn't be installed into my computer because of the connectors. Stupid old computer! Naturally, the kind I need is barely even on the market anymore. Then it turned out I didn't really need a new graphic card anyway, so the guy was like, let's just upgrade the OS as it is. So he did, and then Win7 wouldn't recognise my network card. See, Win7 worked beautifully... except for the part where I DIDN'T HAVE ANY INTERNET! So that was a no. Back to WinXP. The guy returned a few days later with some ~ideas~ on how to fix it. The ideas? Didn't work. So I got my course teacher to come see it on Friday, and he tried a few things, but yeah, Win7 still wouldn't give me the most important thing. He then tried to clean the disk from the mean new OS, and then... it all went away. Both Win7 and WinXP were inaccessible. Bye-bye, computer time for the ENTIRE DAY. Now, a few months ago I would've been so pissed off had it happened. However, turns out my happy pills? Are pretty fuckin' awesome because I was mostly like, oh... well, okay. Ha. Ha. I have no idea who I am anymore. Anyway, the guy returned the next day and re-installed my old WinXP and all is once again well in my world. Except for how I've got an extra graphic card that I don't know what to do with.

Have I told you how MT sent me Nick Hornbys newest book, "Juliet, Naked" JUST BECAUSE I said I wanted it? Well, she did, and I read it, and I loved it. Nick Hornby - I love him. I'm not saying it often enough.

I was going to see "Alice in Wonderland" today but guess what happened. Go on, guess. You can't, can you? Some fuck-up decided it should be DUBBED TO CROATIAN. I do not wish to watch Johnny Depp while he speaks Croatian, okay?! For fuck's sake. I wonder whose brilliant idea it was, because I have a nice, tight piece of rope to present them with.

Huh. Turns out I can still get pissed off at shit. Good to know.

In conclusion, OSCARS!