And So I Was a Cleaning Lady

No, seriously. For the last two weeks I've been substituting for a neighbour as a cleaning lady in the local bank, so she could go on a vacation. Now, I'm not saying it's embarrassing or anything - it's a job, and someone's gotta do it - but don't you think it's a little bit sad to be 29 and the only job you can find is cleaning someone's toilet for almost no money for an extremely short period of time? And now, back to being unemployed. Yay.

Well, I didn't plan to start on such a gloomy note, but there you have it. At least I didn't bring up my hemorrhoids (that is a story for a different post, best one I never ever write. You're welcome.)

In other news, my sister moved out. She and her fiance rented a flat in the city, so here I am, at 29, finally having a room to myself. I knew this day would come! And I'm still not paying rent. So... win?

Dad Discovers Internet

We gave dad the old laptop. Hoo boy.

Dad: Have you read the jokes on the Internet?
Me: Well, not all of them.

He proceeds to tell them to us.

~¤~¤~¤~¤~¤~¤¤~¤~¤~¤~¤~

Dad Discovers Internet vol. II

or HOW TO MAKE LOOKING AT INTERNET PORN COMPLICATED

Me: Watchu doin'?
Dad: Playing strip-poker.

I say a quick prayer begging whoever is listening to not let my Dad be stripping for random creepers on the Internet. I remember to add also not to let my Dad be the random creeper for whom the others might be stripping. (Is it worse for a 50yo man to be the creeper or the creepee? Hmm...)

Me: Um... what?
Dad: Yeah, whenever I win, the chick loses a clothing item.

I notice there's an image of a blonde chick wearing sweats next to the cards. WHAT A RELIEF.

Dad: The bitch is, whenever I lose, all of the clothes gets put back.
Me: You do realise there are easier ways to see naked women on the Internet, right?

...

About an hour later, me already in bed, he comes into my room triumphantly.

Dad: I undressed her!
Me: Well... congrats.

Dad keeps standing at the door.

Me: Uh... do I need to come see?
Dad: YES.

There's a show about everything these days

Let me tell you about a TV show that I just had the misfortune to watch.

It's a show about dream houses. Now, I expected it to be about taking a house and redecorating it to make it someone's dream house. You know, that kind of a before/after show (that I'm almost not ashamed to admit watching).

It started with a real estate agent showing some people, with what to me is an obscene amount of money, a few houses that matched their desired houses. Oh okay, so they're going to buy a house, and then adjust it to their wants and needs. Sounds fun. So after the tours around the houses, accompanied by a million of ooh's and aah's, that's lovely's and yes, yes's, people decided on the house. Awesome. Now let's start redecorating!

Yeah... no. That was the end of the show.

No, really. There's a TV show where you watch people buy a house. What's next? Watching people buy food from Tesco.com?

Oh and you know what? At the end they said the people waited too long to make an offer and didn't even end up buying the house. Just... WTF?!

On the Bus

It's 10.16pm, somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Well, okay, I'm guessing we're still in Slovenia, but this could easily be Austria as well, as far as I know.

Behind me there's an old dude huffing and puffing all the way, as if he's personally driving this bus Fred-Flintstone-style. But then again, he drank a 0,5l can of beer at the bus station back in Osijek, then had a few more on the bus, and then another bottle at some train station we stopped at for a while a few hours back. Holding all that beer can't be an easy task, so.

It's raining, and it's cold, and this is one hell of an uncomfortable bus. I'm a freakin' midget and even I barely have room for my legs. But it's okay, 7,5 hours down, 12 to go.

I felt the beginning of a headache coming, and I foolishly didn't bring any painkillers. So I tried to cure it with chocolate. Yeah... it didn't really work.

Tomorrow I'll be stuck in an apartment only with my Austrian, solely-German-speaking, 70-year-old uncle Max. I sense a fun afternoon.

A woman siting in front of me has hit my precious laptop with her seat a couple of times now, so I think I'm gonna put it away for now. Stupid fellow passengers. If only I had some rocks...

...

9am. The sun came out around 8. Can't feel my feet even though I'm wearing two pairs of socks and boots. Germany is too damn cold.

Also, the bus driver suggested we met in Frankfurt or back in Osijek. Um... NO. What the hell, man? I do not want to meet gross old men for sex anywhere. Seriously, I need to find me an age-appropriate guy.

The beer dude got off the bus here in Mannheim. I'm pretty sure he farted all the time. And since he looked nothing like Jared, I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive him.

Okay, ARE WE THERE YET?! (Yeah, no.)

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

So plz to be forwarding all your throwable rocks to me. TIA.

Not just because a certain jailbait boy suddenly realised how young he really is and stopped communicating with me. Clearly, I'm not that resentful a person.

No, when I say boys are stupid, I mean men, and when I say men, I mean, that old guy in my computer class, and the mayor of my town, AND the jailbait ex-bf of mine. See? I have reasons.

Like, WTF, jailbait ex-bf? He was the one convincing me repeatedly that age don't matter when I was trying to be rational. Granted, his dick was in me at the time, but still. Then I frowned when he said he'd have kids in ten years or so (do the math, to be 39 or 40 is not the best age for giving birth for the first time), and the lines died. No voice chat, no e-mail, no text. Well, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH (and also, fuck you for making me use Lilly Allen to tell you to go fuck yourself). And man, it's not like I'm heartbroken or anything, I'm just angry at him for being so lame, and at myself for being a gullible idiot when I KNOW that boys are stupid and the only way to deal with them is to throw rocks at them.

In other bad news, apparently we're in the times of recession and my town can't really afford to pay me. So the job that they blew out of all proportion into this awesome opportunity ends after only three weeks. Yes. I will have worked for exactly 3 weeks and that's it. Which means I came home from Krk at least a month too soon for nothing. Let me put this into terms anyone could understand: I could've made $1,000. Instead, I'm gonna make $200. Our Mayor is stupid and I want to throw rocks at him.

Last but not least is the old dude from the class. Now, he's around 75 and doesn't own a computer. Clearly, it was never gonna be an easy task to teach him anything. So for the past two weeks I've been trying to teach him and the rest some basic things about Windows XP. Now, the first week all we did was to create, rename, move, delete, open and close, copy an paste FOLDERS. Also, to move files between FOLDERS. Also, to search for files in different FOLDERS. Then we created some Word documents that we saved in FOLDERS. When they were to continue formatting text in a certain document or so, they had to go to a certain FOLDER, open the document, and then, at the end of the class, save the document in the same or some other FOLDER. The icon of the little yellow folder should be engraved into everyone's brain by now. Yet when I tried to teach them how to add an attachment to an e-mail today, and the window to browse their documents opened, I could see that the old dude had no idea what to do. "Open this folder," I said. He stared at the screen. "Do you see the folders?" I asked, to which he replied "Yes!" while continuing to read the options in the toolbar!!! (I know because he moved the cursor under the words he was reading, okay?!

How can you not recognise a freakin' FOLDER when you see it after two weeks of staring at them?! Is it because you're stupid and rocks should be thrown at you? Why yes, I think that just might be the case.

Or I'm a terrible teacher. ... Nah, that can't be it, surely.

So... rocks. I'll be needing some.

Stop asking about my love life

Have a look at it instead.

Internetless

Well, obviously not entirely, but listen to this.

My boss' laptop gave all it had to give, apparently, and it died last year or so. Therefore, I have no computer at my disposal.

Right now I'm at the reception, charging my iPod and checking e-mail. I figured this would be a great time to upload the first of my video blogs I recorded today. Alas... First, I accidentally turned off the online radio playing at the cafe, playing instead the beginning of my video, for everyone to hear me stuttering in English. ... Yes, FAIL. And then, I started uploading the video to Youboob... which once again turned the radio off. Not enough bandwidth or something. So now I'll have to wait for the end of the shift, or come at ass o'clock in the morning. FML.

I survived a boat ride today! I am not a fan of boats, okay? It's just that there's all that SEA around that's unsettling. But I didn't hurl, and I didn't fall off of it, so I count it as a win. I even have a pic to prove it happened, but only on my cell, because of course, I forgot my camera. LOL

One of my colleagues asked if I'll go out with them tomorrow night. I might.

So long, farewell, Aufwiedersehen, goodbye...

I am off to Krk in an hour.

I've been absent lately, but it's rather time-consuming preparing for 2 months of living away from home. So, sorry about that. I'd say I'll try to be a better friend, but who knows how much Internet time (if any) I'll have, so.

Stay well, have a great summer, and I'll see you when I see you.

♥
Kris

When life gives you lemons...*

...don't you just wanna be somewhere where you can slice them up for cold beverages? Somewhere where random boys flirt with you just because you're the girl with the hand on the beer tap?

Well, I do. I want to be there yesterday.

I am surrounded by morons

#1 Yesterday there was a rerun of the "Jeeves & Wooster" pilot, and as I was watching it, my sister said: "Who is that actor? He looks so familiar!"

#2 I entered the kitchen today and saw our ancient little square fan turned on, but facing the wall. "Why is it facing the wall?", I asked as I turned it around. "Oh," my mother exclaims. "Is that why it's not cooling me? I thought it didn't matter which way it was turned, I figured it blew air both ways."

#3 My sister bought a new mixer with a rotating bowl. Unfortunately, one of the kneader wouldn't fit through the whole because of the plastic in it. I heard raised voices and complaints from the kitchen, so I went over there to investigate. The consensus seemed to be to go back to the store first thing tomorrow morning and demand new kneaders, because these clearly didn't fit. At least, until I pushed the plastic in with the kneader and it clicked.

I touch myself

Because the Internet told me to.





Subtle, Internet, really subtle.

Has anyone seen my youth around?

Today I realised the last three guys that expressed their interest in me sexually were all forty-something divorced men with teenage children.

Who the hell am I and when did I become her?!

Things change, they say

You know, I haven't had sex in a really long time, but if this is how ~things~ look nowadays, I'd rather pass anyway.

While my womb gently weeps...

Not even 2 months old, and already making international phone calls via Skype (with a little help of her Grandma).

Baby Ema

How is it even possible to be so cute??!

Of things unrelated

I have a beautiful baby niece Ema! Let me show you her!



~^~^~^~

I have new footwear! SHINY!



~^~^~^~

You know what would look good on that stumpy ankle? A tattoo.


OR


*iz thinking*

Oh, wow, really?

Like, someone wants to have this on their body forever?!

I said "there is nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."

It happens when, for the first time, you talk to someone from the other side of the world, and they sound just as dorky and adorable as you pictured them. (I'm looking at you, Lindy!)

It happens when your cousin, who you and your family could barely stand visiting once or twice a year, stops drinking and once again becomes almost a brother you remember from growing up.

It happens when his 6-year-old son, who barely knows you, curls up against you holding your hand as he watches cartoons.

It happens when that boy, asked if he loves his Aunt Dana, says Nooo, points his finger at you and adds, diese ist viel besser (this one is much better). And hey, "'From the mouths of little children..." and all that! :P

My hair. It is asymmetrical.

Ungulates!

I love Maichan because she brings rainbows and ponies into my life! Often combined.




There goes her street cred... :P
To restore it, I must add she also scared the crap out of me with her card that SPEWED A NINJA BUTTERFLYINTO MY FACE! Gaaaaaaah! Scary motherfucker.
I've since scared my Mom, Dad, sister, sister's BF, and an unsuspecting neighbour. MT would be proud - she first send it to Maichan, and it has been passed on. LOL

Not everyone in my family is happy to see a horse, though.
This is Ferdinand trying to chase the horse away.


The horse totally ignored him, so he tried a less subtle approach.

Poor dog, completely unaware of his size and how nonthreatening he is. *pets him*

"I'm okay!" the cake said.

The roof is fixed.

In other news, the glass on the oven door exploded yesterday.