A NOTE: This post is inspired by two very separate things. One more recent is a class I had today in which a professor spoke of the term "author" and different ways a person defines himself or herself. The other one is a piece of fanfiction that I read a long time ago and that made me think of myself in terms of defining words. Vocabulary is a story in which a 16 year old boy is given a sentence to finish for homework, a sentence that goes "I am ________ ." and he is only allowed to use one word to finish it. You don't have to read it, but I do recommend it. For the longest time I tried to come up with that one word. I couldn't do it. Instead, here's my list.
I AM:
a female: I'm not saying "a girl" because I believe I outgrew it. I'm not saying "a woman" because I believe I have some serious amount of growing up to do before I can step into a woman's shoes. God help me, I'll quote Britney Spears: Not a girl, not yet a woman. I am, however, a female, which in many ways determines not only the way I look at the world, but also the way the world looks at me. I am predetermined by nature to give birth, to be a mother. I have a brain that functions in a certain way, different than a man's. Being a female sets grounds for everything that comes next.
a daughter: I've been blessed with wonderful parents, even though they didn't always do a splendid job at raising me. But I am loved. And that is a lot.
a sister: It's the best. It's the worst. We have a bond that I am almost positive would never break. But nothing can tear me to pieces easier than one well aimed sentence form my sister's mouth. She knows all of my weak spots and she knows hot to hit each and every one perfectly. And the comparison never ceases. There's no getting away from me vs. her-concept. Is she prettier than me? Is she smarter? Do they love her more? Is she more successful? And if so, am I therefore a failure? Does she makes me look like a loser? Is she better than me?
a reader: I've been a reader since I can remember. The story says I learned to read at the age of 4 and I never stopped since. To be honest, I read a lot of really bad literature. But something worthwhile sneaks in from time to time. The best thing about reading is that even from crap you get to learn something. If it's merely a single new word, so be it - it's more than I knew yesterday. Do not judge me for what I read.
a student: This should make me feel good. But it doesn't. Every time I think of being a 2nd year student at the age of 27, I cringe. What the hell have I been doing with my life and what the hell do I think I'll be doing if I ever do get my degree? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. But it doesn't look good.
a quitter: Everything I ever started, everything I ever touched, everything I ever thought of doing, I gave up on. I gave up on friendships. I gave up on relationships (no matter how very few of those I even engaged into). I gave up on schooling. I gave up on jobs. I gave up on myself. Once my boss said to me: "I don't doubt you'll make it, you're determined enough." and I stared at him thinking: "You have no idea who I am, you don't know the first thing about me, and you couldn't be more wrong."
a Catholic: I'm not an active one. I don't go to Church, I don't pray. I believe in God but that's it. Yet, just by being born one, I have these beliefs that are ingrained into me, about heaven and hell and what is right and what is wrong (just so we're clear, I'm pretty sure I'm heading downwards). And don't even get me started on the Catholic guilt. Why is that the thing that sticks the most, is beyond me, but it's there, every step of the way.
a Croat: It's actually rather stupid to feel proud for being this nationality or that one, given that you're born one or another without any choice, but I am. I can't put my finger on it, on why I should feel proud, but every time I hear the national anthem, I tear up. Being a Croat also determines the way I see the world in a lot of way. I cannot not see it from my country's perspective. I cannot view things as an American or a Chinese. The culture I was brought up in helped building me into what I am.
a single: I am single because I have chosen not to commit to anyone. I have chosen not to give up on parts of myself to make room for someone else. I am single because I'm selfish. Or am I selfish because I can be, since I have no one to make compromises for?
a fangirl: Yes, I am. I spend more time looking at pictures of this or that actor, watching films and shows that they're on, than doing anything that involves my family or is in any way benefitial for me. I can't explain why it is so important to me. But it's what I do and it makes me happy. And is for the most part a secret to the real world.
an online persona: More of them, actually. Each of you know some side of me that I let be seen. It allows me to be free in many ways. I can read what I want online. I can say what I want online - there will always be people who agree with me. I can spill my emotions to the screen and it's cathartic and it helps in dealing with the world. It also makes it harder because there's no delete button in the real world. And it's messing with my mind. A lot.
And how do you define me? Seriously, I want to know. What is your word for me?
I AM:
a female: I'm not saying "a girl" because I believe I outgrew it. I'm not saying "a woman" because I believe I have some serious amount of growing up to do before I can step into a woman's shoes. God help me, I'll quote Britney Spears: Not a girl, not yet a woman. I am, however, a female, which in many ways determines not only the way I look at the world, but also the way the world looks at me. I am predetermined by nature to give birth, to be a mother. I have a brain that functions in a certain way, different than a man's. Being a female sets grounds for everything that comes next.
a daughter: I've been blessed with wonderful parents, even though they didn't always do a splendid job at raising me. But I am loved. And that is a lot.
a sister: It's the best. It's the worst. We have a bond that I am almost positive would never break. But nothing can tear me to pieces easier than one well aimed sentence form my sister's mouth. She knows all of my weak spots and she knows hot to hit each and every one perfectly. And the comparison never ceases. There's no getting away from me vs. her-concept. Is she prettier than me? Is she smarter? Do they love her more? Is she more successful? And if so, am I therefore a failure? Does she makes me look like a loser? Is she better than me?
a reader: I've been a reader since I can remember. The story says I learned to read at the age of 4 and I never stopped since. To be honest, I read a lot of really bad literature. But something worthwhile sneaks in from time to time. The best thing about reading is that even from crap you get to learn something. If it's merely a single new word, so be it - it's more than I knew yesterday. Do not judge me for what I read.
a student: This should make me feel good. But it doesn't. Every time I think of being a 2nd year student at the age of 27, I cringe. What the hell have I been doing with my life and what the hell do I think I'll be doing if I ever do get my degree? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. But it doesn't look good.
a quitter: Everything I ever started, everything I ever touched, everything I ever thought of doing, I gave up on. I gave up on friendships. I gave up on relationships (no matter how very few of those I even engaged into). I gave up on schooling. I gave up on jobs. I gave up on myself. Once my boss said to me: "I don't doubt you'll make it, you're determined enough." and I stared at him thinking: "You have no idea who I am, you don't know the first thing about me, and you couldn't be more wrong."
a Catholic: I'm not an active one. I don't go to Church, I don't pray. I believe in God but that's it. Yet, just by being born one, I have these beliefs that are ingrained into me, about heaven and hell and what is right and what is wrong (just so we're clear, I'm pretty sure I'm heading downwards). And don't even get me started on the Catholic guilt. Why is that the thing that sticks the most, is beyond me, but it's there, every step of the way.
a Croat: It's actually rather stupid to feel proud for being this nationality or that one, given that you're born one or another without any choice, but I am. I can't put my finger on it, on why I should feel proud, but every time I hear the national anthem, I tear up. Being a Croat also determines the way I see the world in a lot of way. I cannot not see it from my country's perspective. I cannot view things as an American or a Chinese. The culture I was brought up in helped building me into what I am.
a single: I am single because I have chosen not to commit to anyone. I have chosen not to give up on parts of myself to make room for someone else. I am single because I'm selfish. Or am I selfish because I can be, since I have no one to make compromises for?
a fangirl: Yes, I am. I spend more time looking at pictures of this or that actor, watching films and shows that they're on, than doing anything that involves my family or is in any way benefitial for me. I can't explain why it is so important to me. But it's what I do and it makes me happy. And is for the most part a secret to the real world.
an online persona: More of them, actually. Each of you know some side of me that I let be seen. It allows me to be free in many ways. I can read what I want online. I can say what I want online - there will always be people who agree with me. I can spill my emotions to the screen and it's cathartic and it helps in dealing with the world. It also makes it harder because there's no delete button in the real world. And it's messing with my mind. A lot.
And how do you define me? Seriously, I want to know. What is your word for me?
9 spoke back:
Kris, a person like you can't be define in only one word.
Here are my words:
A teacher - it's true! You've taught me and educated me in so many ways...Went education included! lol!
Ironic - Your ironic humour beats everything!!! Its hilarious and I enjoy it much. You say little with few words and even so you create an explosion. Like I said, you could be in a partnership with the Cohen bros. lool.
Honest - (perhaps not quite the right word here, but you'll teach me later, lmao) You say it in people's faces. You are not afraid to say what's on your mind, although sometimes it might hurt a little. I should be like that sometimes.
a Brat - well, just because you are! hihihih
a friend - after all the things you say about yourself regarding you and people relationships, I think you can be a true friend to the ones that can and know how to deal with you. One needs to get to know you better to know how it works with you. (I hope I expressed my self correctly on this one, or else I'll get my ass kick by one of your stamps, lool).
And I know I only know you virtualy, but fuck it, that's my experience with you, right!?
I was really honest with my words and I hope it made sense to you, because I have some dificulties in expressing my self in so that people can understand, lol.
Nice post Krissie :)
To me you are Kris. Nothing more, nothing less.
Van, there's not a word on your list that I do not take proudly. Thank you. It means a lot.
That's... concise, Erica. :)
You.
That doesn't even mean anything, Nic. :P
My word for you?
Krissie. That's how I think of you in my head - Krissie.
Of course that's in MY head and that's how my lil computer brain has filed all my info on you.
IN the file? You'd find that I list you as a friend - one of the really cool kinds that I can come back to after weeks of self absorbtion and pick up where we left off like no big deal at all.
I file you in my head as someone who makes me laugh and pig snort when I'm sick and as someone who frustrates me with a hard-headedness that equals and perhaps -ok yes- trumps my OWN hard head-ed-ness.
I file you as someone EXCEPTING- you're excepting of SO MANY things and I'm not sure you know how MEANINGFUL that is to me and others as well. You don't CARE or make me feel bad about not being a able to spell or for the fact that I married in secret and moved away from all of my family to go and have babies with a man that's not the same skin color of me in another country. Hard to believe but there are people in the world that are NOTHING like you and hate me for all of those things. I love you for the way you actually care - you make me feel like you CARE when I talk to you about C.
I file you in my brain as someone I wish I could give sunshine too and hugs and bunnies - and wish for you not to kill the bunnies on your bad days with your death ray stare. I've never seen your look in person but I bet when your pissed or in one of your moods you've got one of those KILLER stares that lets people know you're two inches from screaming at them.
I file you in my brain as honest - because my gawd if you're not honest then somebody get me a dicionary. Ok get me a dicionary so I can figure out how to spell it too.
There's more but my battery is going to die :P
OH !!! One more thing before I sign off - can I please slit my wrist WITH you because I feel the SAME DAMN WAY about that "Not a girl not yet a woman" song? Damn that B. Spears for being such an idiot becuase that song - that phrase really does sum up how I feel about being a girl/muchacha/senorita/woman/mujer/senora all at the same time and none at all. I'm just ..... Well I like your word - female. How sterile a word but I like it.
Oh wow, Linds, that's an awfully kind list you've got there. You're a Friend with a capital F to me too, but you know that, right?
I bet when your pissed or in one of your moods you've got one of those KILLER stares that lets people know you're two inches from screaming at them.
Yes. Ask my Mother. It's true. Also, I've been giving that look to people since I was a baby. Again, ask my Mother, she'll tell you.
No need to ask, I already know.
Ok, and OMG OMG I didn't see it till you copy/pasted it that I wrote "your" instead of you're. How embarrasing. gah.
It's OK, you're cute when you're illiterate.
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