You taught me kings and queens while stroking my hair

Oh my God. I actually finished what I now think of as the first half of my story. It has a prologue and a title and warnings and a summary, it's been beta'd by Christel, and there's even a little shout out to the demanding hors (you know who you are).

I'll be posting the link to it as soon as I'm completely happy with what it looks like.

Writing this stupid story is one of the ways of avoiding the real issues. Like the one that my Grandma is anything but better. We're actually waiting for THE call from the hospital all the time. She had another stroke last night, and the other day she went through a series of epileptic seizures. It's not looking good. My Dad is having trouble with accepting it. Maybe it's a male thing, I don't know.

We're going to see her today and I just... I don't know if I can take it. The fact is that I am the most sensitive one in my family and I can't deal with sickness. I can't even imagine someone dying. I have to go see her because she's conscious and she's aware of who's there and who's not even if she can't talk. Oh God, she can't talk!

But I need her to see me, I want her to know that we all love her and that we all care. If she doesn't recover...

One of these days I'll tell you all about her, how she taught me to tell time, how she made me the most beautiful clothes, how she always gave and gave and gave. Just not today.

The chaos of our lives

My Grandma had a stroke this morning. Dad's at the hospital and he's seen her as they brought her in, but he said he didn't think she recognised him. He says she seemed pretty bad, but people usually do immediately after the stroke, right? I mean, they often recover, right?
My aunt's coming in from Germany tomorrow.

Dad just got home. She'll live. Phew. She's pretty bad, though. She doesn't speak. But she did signal to him they took her earrings. LOL Women! That's my Grandma for ya.

I guess it's hard for me to really worry about her because I'm still thinking that people I love are indestructible. Immortal even. It's so very wrong, I know, I just can't help it.

In other news, I'm still writing. Heh. I have the middle of the next scene, the fun part. I need to write the beginning and the awkward end. Awkward. I love that word.

This has been a very long day.

And if theres someone you can just shove out, do so.

Oh God, ahahahahahahahaha! These Pop idol auditions are always hilarious! There's a guy who sang one of the judge's song and in the FIRST LINE he sang a non-existent word. What the fuck? You can't do that! Then there was a guy fully dressed as a cowboy: the boots, the plaid shirt, the hat... He said the ladies in Osijek look at him funny for the way he dresses. Um... This is not Texas. You're not... I dunno... Tim McGraw. Seriously. Reality check.

Writing. It's hard. I have the complete story in my head, but when I try to put it on paper... well, screen, it just doesn't come out right. But I'm working on it because I can't keep it inside of my brain anymore.

OMG OMG OMG! The chick that's singing "If I were a boy" is TERRIBLE!!! One of the judges is about to fall off his chair. God, I hope the video will be up on YT soon.

I'm meeting Puki on Tuesday. He ordered me to prepare at least 5 jokes and 5 funny and happy things to tell him about when we meet. He claims that his charm and goofy smile top my sarcasm and he's adamant in having me cheered up. It's like it's his mission in life to make me happy or something. He's adorable. He's bound to fail, of course, but he's adorable nonetheless.

In other news, Steve Carlson is now following me on Twitter and Chris Kane apparently freed my country from occupation.

Feeling very small underneath the universe

I need to write, so bear with me.

I dreamt of The Boy. We were sitting in a bathroom stall in some school, down on the floor, and we were talking. But he wore a metal box on his head. You read it right. He had a metal box. On his head. As in, his head. Was. IN. The box. There was some sort of locked door in the front so he opened it so I could see him. It was really weird.

Wow, this was one hell of a long day. Got up at 6.10, left home at 7.05, returned at 6pm. Dead. Beat. I had PE, okay? Which wasn't even that bad, considering. Before that we had the Croatian lit class that ended with a quiz. Which would've been fine, had we had any fucking clue what the TA was talking about. Hell, when he asked us one of the question, we were all like: BZUH?! And he goes: Do you understand the question? And we all went: Uh... NO?! Then he "explained". But not really. So that was that.

Then there was PE. Where we were measured and weighed and had our BMI calculated and various other shit. And the professor says to me: You have too much fat tissue. And I make my trademark DUH face and grab my boobs with both of my hands. The boys laugh and the professor says: Fair enough. FUCK YOU, I AIN'T FAT! I'm not skinny and I have a belly (I don't think you're ready for this jelly...) but I most certainly ain't obese!

Then it was fun tiems! We picked up Maja and went to lunch. I ate healthy! Grilled chicken, mushrooms and mixed salad. Fiiiine. And grilled cheese. And a coke. Shut up. I'm curvaceous and I'm staying that way! It was so great to spend some time with Maja again! I love her. And she kept saying: I miss you! We miss her right back. She moved on to the 3rd year, we got stuck at the 2nd. She even said she's considering taking a year off just so she can have classes with us again. LOL

Afterwards we had three periods of Croatian Morphology. Oh. Fucking. Joy. It felt like a really slow, particularly painful death. Only worse. Because in the end I wasn't dead. I'm going to have to rinse and repeat over and over and over again. For what feels like forever.

Remember my need for writing fiction? Well, it's gone. Turns out, all it took was writing the beginning and the end of the story. The total of 786 words was enough to beat the will to write right out of me. Once you realise you're terrible at something, you don't really wanna keep it up.

Could today's (yesterday's) Supernatural be any more depressing? Made me wanna throw up a few times. Could be my general state of mind making me feel this way, but I don't know. As happy as it makes me that it's FINALLY back (because the withdrawals are not fun!), the way that it's headed is making me dread what's to come.

At least I'm not the only one feeling depressed. Remember Faye, the comic girl form my avatar? She's been pretty down herself lately. Is relating to a drawn character unhealthy? Oh hell, I'll just add it to the list. Right under the grilled cheese.

Remember those walls I built?

It's been brought to my attention that my friends have sort of been on a suicide watch for me.

Well, DON'T.

I'm not gonna kill myself. Hell, I'm not even gonna cut myself - I imagine it hurts like a bitch, I even hate paper cuts, okay? I'm not into hurting myself. Or others, for that matter.

What I'm trying to say, stop putting extra effort into "maintaining" me. Yes, I need it. Yes, I demand it. Yes, I'm fragile and needy and co-dependent and depressed 350 days of the year. But it still doesn't mean I want you here if it's a chore. It still doesn't mean I need people talking about me behind my back trying not to upset the crazy person. "Just nod and smile", I can hear them say.

My friends are not a chore for me. I don't want to be one either. Therefore, I declare DEFRIENDING DAY. Go ahead, knock yourself out. I promise, no hard feelings. DO NOT FEEL OBLIGED TO KEEP ME ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST. It's the worst thing you can do.

Twitter

I'm weak! I caved in! Add me.

TWITTER

Yes I'll find you and cut you down, friends and neighbours

So it looks like no one reads this blog. Which is fine. I'm most likely not reading yours either. I would totally shut it down and move completely to LJ, it's just that I love this layout so fucking much! I know, what a reason to keep a blog, eh?

Anyway.

Wow, my life is boring. I could be reading the book I'm supposed to read by Friday but Oh. My. God. Why are Croatian writers so uninteresting?

In other news, I have a story that's been bugging me for a few days that I may or may not write. Yes, it might be fanfiction. Only not really. There's a story I wanna tell only I'm not comfortable writing in first person. About me. So I might borrow some characters from elsewhere. But I don't know. Writing fiction, even if it's half-fiction, seems like a chore, and God knows I'd be better off writing in Croatian, a language in which I actually know the words I'd need to tell a story. So yeah. I'm not optimistic. Besides, if I put it off for long enough, the urge to write will probably go away. Oh and this, blogging about nothing? Short-term solution. This is me writing without actually writing.

No one talks to me anymore. There'd be times when I would juggle 3 or 4 chats at the time. Nowadays? Silence on all fronts. Clearly, everyone is bored with me. But that's OK because I'm mostly bored with everyone as well.

So I'm watching TV shows. The Big Bang Theory! \o/ It's so hot in here, it must be Summer! Oh Howard, why so lame? I love love love that show! I swear, I go through withdrawals without it. Then there's Leverage which, okay, may not be the smartest show out there but Eliot? I love him! And that's purely character based, because the actor? UGH, NO. I also finished watching Merlin. Speaking of stupid. But it's kind of endearing in its simplicity AND the fic is really fun. Often much smarter than the show is. So there's that.

I saw Slumdog Millionaire. Seriously, what the fuck? Now, I haven't seen the rest of this year's Oscar competition but if that's the best that's out there? Jeez. It ain't THAT good. Changeling was totally better, for one. And it wasn't even nominated. Pfft. I loved the mass dance scene at the end. Of Slumdog, not Chageling. No one danced there. (Btw, why so depressing, movies? I also saw Revolutionary Road and God, did I wanna slit my wrists.) I love mass dance scenes. Best part of She's All That (yeah, yeah, tough competition there) was most definitely the scene at the prom dance. To this day I love that song! Heh, for someone with so much hatred for everything and everyone, I sure do love a lot of shit today. Like Wall-E! Oh Wall-E! Well, the first part of the movie anyway. With no talking and just that atmosphere and just the general feel of the movie. The chase on the ship was meh. But I suppose there had to be some kind of plot or something. Whatevs.

Thirteen of my "friends" are online on various chatting services right now. THIRTEEN. I'm bored out of my mind and not one is talking to me. Screw you.

'Cause then came you, then there's you

breathe in, breathe out
and smile
effortlessly

step one, step two
in line
effortlessly

tick-tock, tick-tock
in no time
effortlessly

don't even know how
a part of my life
effortlessly

A friend. Or a new love. Take it as you will. They're just words.

Sometimes I forget to love you like I should