The main argument against suicide in "Stay" is that there's too much beauty in this world. And as I sit here today, I almost believe it. Sun is shining and the river is calm. Couples pass me by holding hands, grandparents accompany grandchildren, groups of friends take their walks to the nearest cafe for a lazy morning cup of coffee. And I can almost imagine myself being happy.
But I am on the other side. I sit here alone with another failure sitting on my shoulders. And a ray of sun that is burning the back of my neck is the bite of guilt for once more the fear got me knocked down. I couldn't take the idea of entering that room and feeling like the biggest, dumbest loser that I am when I find myself not being good enough again. Oh I know I've got no one to blame but myself but still I'll go on trying to make excuses for myself even though I know that the real reason is that I'm just not enough. Persistent enough, dedicated enough, smart enough, keen enough.
And I can't take it anymore. The sun may be shining but I feel like a black hole. And I only suck myself in.
I wish there was no tomorrow. It's such a perfect day. On the surface. And I wish it was the last one. So I didn't have to face the consequences.
A stupid photographer is taking a picture of me. I can only imagine what he sees. What he thinks he sees. A normal person sitting on a bench on the river bank, getting inspired by a beautiful day, writing sonnets to the sun. That's not me. They don't see me.
I could almost see the beauty of this world. But I'm only looking at it from the outside. I'm not a part of it. It's not my beauty.
But I am on the other side. I sit here alone with another failure sitting on my shoulders. And a ray of sun that is burning the back of my neck is the bite of guilt for once more the fear got me knocked down. I couldn't take the idea of entering that room and feeling like the biggest, dumbest loser that I am when I find myself not being good enough again. Oh I know I've got no one to blame but myself but still I'll go on trying to make excuses for myself even though I know that the real reason is that I'm just not enough. Persistent enough, dedicated enough, smart enough, keen enough.
And I can't take it anymore. The sun may be shining but I feel like a black hole. And I only suck myself in.
I wish there was no tomorrow. It's such a perfect day. On the surface. And I wish it was the last one. So I didn't have to face the consequences.
A stupid photographer is taking a picture of me. I can only imagine what he sees. What he thinks he sees. A normal person sitting on a bench on the river bank, getting inspired by a beautiful day, writing sonnets to the sun. That's not me. They don't see me.
I could almost see the beauty of this world. But I'm only looking at it from the outside. I'm not a part of it. It's not my beauty.
7 spoke back:
Your beauty is this writing.
(and your boobs)
Feel better soon :) XOXOXO's - hor
You have no idea how ugly my boobs are. For real. I'm gonna need you all to stop mentioning them because it's all fake, what you see.
Oh, they sag? Yeah me too, (we're the same age remember) That's why I wear padded push-ups. And tweeze. Yes tweeze. I have some rather "unfortunates" on yee ole hor-boobs. Horomones are a bitch.
Your writing really is beautiful. You express yourself so eloquently. You communicate the rawness of your emotion, and that's not easy to write! I know! You are gifted....
:o) BJ
PS -- d-hor, ain't it the truth....
*speachless*
*cries*
You put every single word in the right place.
It's incredible how you can write exactely how I feel sometimes...
It's hard to express how we feel but you trully know how to put it into words.
Your writing is beautifull, I have said that before and I say it again.
When the world closes up on you....you need to imagine that window and the sun outside and feel better.
:)
Don't you ever stop writing Krissie.
You know, I wish I knew what it is that all of you find in this particular piece of blabber cuz I don't see it. Another friend read it and said I was a literary genius and I am completely puzzled.
Oh well, thanks, I guess.
Yeah...
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