CROATIAN!

Jensen said CROATIAN. I kid you not! At 2.18. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Return Of The King

Tonight.
Well, tomorrow for me but still. Big fat FINALLY.

Seriously

Damn that J2.
So Jensen now sings? He fucking SINGS??
I can't stop listening to that bloody song over and over and over and over again. Gonna borrow a line from it: makes me mellow right down to my soul.
It's so like me.
Addicted in what? 4 days?
Gotta be a record, even for me.
It's just that... thinking of those lips making love to a mic...


K, back to my reading.

Wood

Ha. I wish!
No, not that kinda wood. But glad to see not only my mind is in the gutter.
I was helping Dad bring wood for the fire in. So I was struggling with two particularly live pieces and one decided to jump and smack me on my nose. Blue noses are the new black anyway. And then I managed to step on two rusty nails that were coming out of another piece of wood. They went straight through my sneaker and into my foot. It's OK, though. I hear dying of sepsis is a nice way to go.
So as we were going from the street to our back yard back and forth an old man on a bike stops on the road and goes "Working hard, eh?" I pretend not to hear him but he repeats it. SO I say "Yeah, a little." thinking he'd move on but no, he just stands there. So I grab the wood and head inside. And my sis and Dad are hiding behind the wall until the guy leaves! Yep, we're friendly like that. *shrugs*

I Wish I Could

The blogger world has gone quiet. This one I know, anyway. Are we all out of things to write about? Or are we too busy with actually living to manage the time to write about it? I can only speak for myself and it's more the first one than the latter in my case.
That, and I've been reading. And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of people capable of capturing the atmosphere, the air, the tension, emotions, unspoken words and fears and feelings in a way I could never capture them myself. How can I write about my day when it sounds lifeless and dry? I wish I had it in me, the ways of breathing life into words, making them make you laugh, tremble, sweat, cry. And I don't. What am I doing? This is worthless. Let me just be an observer, a reader, the one that consumes, not creates. As if anything else was possible.

For when you have the time to see what I mean: Have you seen him whom my soul loves
I can't do that. But God, how I wish I could!
(Never mind that I'm going to Hell for reading it. lol)

It's OK...

...to read slash. Noooothing wrong with that.
Maybe Easter Sunday isn't the best timing but whatcha gonna do, 'twas such a boring day.
My rec: All I wanna do is make a mess out of you
At first I had some issues with the whole incest thing, you know, being such a nice girl an' all, but after reminding myself a few times that "They're not real, they're not real!", 'twas all good. Mmm, make that very good.
And I assure you that YES, I am at least 18 years old. *grin*

Happy Easter!

Saturday Blabber

It's Saturday before Easter and I'm rather bored. I've coloured the eggs. See?
I was out on Thursday with some friends from high school but I can't say I enjoyed it. I was bored. It's hard to find something to talk about with people who you haven't seen for years. Not to mention the horrible music that was playing. If the music sucks ass, I just can't have a good time. Simple as that. It was nice to see Vilim, though. But we talk now almost every day so there were no awkward silences.
Sonja wanted me to go out tonight but I said I didn't want to. I hate going out in this goddamn village. Same old people and again, the worst music ever. So no, thank you. I'm such a party breaker, I know. Well whatever.

In the other news: I haven't been bitten by my dog for a while.

ETA: Sonja was just here and asked if I could get her "Love you till the end". What an awesome idea! I got the entire soundtrack and I am loving it! I enjoyed the music in "P.S. I Love You" so much, especially that song and "Galway Girl" but the thought of getting the soundtrack never crossed my mind. I'm an idiot. But at least I'm an idiot who's listening to some lovely tunes.

Thursday Blabber

I have a new haircut. Well, improved, if not new.

My dog bit me yesterday, stupid bastard.
Yep, I think that covers my life over the last few days in a nutshell.

Some E-Cards

Rejected

I don't handle rejection well. Any kind of rejection.
There's the obvious kind, when I like someone who doesn't like me back. I suppose everyone has come across that. But there's all kinds of different rejection that I don't take well.
Like when I ask my sister to watch a film with me and she says something like Oh but I already told my bf I'll watch it with him. or just I don't feel like watching it now. What I hear is I love him more and I don't wanna do stuff with you cuz I don't care about you.
It's when I ask someone to come over and they don't. The other day I asked Nikolina to come but she said previously set plans. And I know that I should be reasonable about it but what I hear is I like the other friend better and I'd rather spend a day with her.
And then there's that when you accidentally find out that people who allegedly like you and enjoy your company are going to do something and you're not invited. Ouch. Then I cannot stop thinking about it for a really long time and I tend to withdraw. I won't be coming to them for along long time now. Just saying.
It's because there used to be times when I'd lean over my balcony and see my alleged friends playing outside and when I'd ask why the hadn't called me, they'd say We forgot. I swear, I'm not making it up. And it happened more than once.
Or when I ask my parents to do something and they don't want to cuz they're tired or whatever. I hate that. I'm not fun enough, there's something better for them to do.
Even when I call my dog or my cat to come and they don't, I question myself. Cuz if my own pets don't give a fuck about me, who the hell will?
I don't handle rejection well. I don't like how it feels and I'm better off without it. And I'm fine on my own when I don't have to think about why people don't like me. So don't drag me out just to reject me. Just... don't. Rather let me be.

The Gift

These lyrics are just... right.

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the path I'm living on
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the path I'm living on
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one i need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the path living on
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...

Tuesday Blabber

A'ight. *cracks finger knuckles*
What's new? Can't say much. But still. Back to classes, reading, writing. Seeing people. No, not seeing people as in dating people, but seeing people as in hanging out. It's weird and it costs a lot. Seriously, all of a sudden I need new clothes and I want to have my hair done and I need money to pay for drinks and stuff and I'm flat broke. So I don't think this whole hanging out is gonna last long but OK.
I'm going to see P.S I Love You again tomorrow night. Nikolina wanna see it and she offered to pay for the whole thing so what am I gonna do? I'm a nice friend like that, I'll go. LOL Might go over to the radio afterwards but I'm not sure. Honestly, can't afford going for a drink with them again. Last time Mum gave me money to buy me a shirt but I spent it on drinks. *shrugs* Sometimes you gotta pay a round.
Uni's kinda intense already, reading Dickens and preparing a presentation on British superstitions, having classes on Mondays and every other Tuesday with a lot of time in between classes and trains so I end up wasting a lot of time doing nothing but getting tired waiting around or going home and then back to Uni. It's stupid and again, costs money.
I got my period so I'm in pain. And I wish it was exaggerating but it's not, my stomach cramps and my back aches. But it still beats the PMS symptoms when I get completely irrational, fight with everyone and do weird things. This month, for instance, I deleted my myspace profile. Why? I can't really say, I just did. Not to mention all the crying and self-hatred I went through 2-3 days ago. Not that I particularly love myself now but the moment I get this bad blood out of my system, I feel better. It's so odd and I wish I knew why it happens. I know one thing: it'll happen again next month.
Boris called me last night and I confirmed to him I will be coming to Krk in July. I still think I'll die Internetless but God knows I could use the change. And the sea and the sun ain't half bad, right?

P.S. I Love You

Went to the movies. I have three words: Jeffrey. Dean. Morgan. P.S. NAKED. lol

JRM

Why I miss The Tudors...

Source

So last night I saw "Prozac Nation". At first I was only gonna watch it for JRM but then Christina Ricci's character, Lizzie, turned out to be a lot like me. In fact, some things she was saying were spot on of how I felt these last few days. So instead of trying to pass the emotions myself, I'll just use her words.

I'm falling. I don't really have anything original to say. Writing can't save me. How can I escape from the demons in my head?

Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly."
That's how depression hits.
You wake up one morning afraid that you're going to live.

Mom, this has nothing to do with you, I mean it's nothing you've done.

I want to explain to Noah how exhausted I am, even in my dreams. How I wake up tired, how I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave.
But I can't write.
And he doesn't really want to know about it, anyway.

I just keep thinking that if I could just be normal...

And then there was this convo between Lizzie and Ruby, her friend.

R: Lizzie, when we're together you're fine, you're fun, you're...
L: I'm faking it.
R: Well, everybody does that.
L: Not like me.
R: Look, we all have bad days...
L (thinks): This is what people say in situations when they don't know what else to say.
R: People care about you, Lizzie.
L (thinks): What I want is for someone to understand, but they don't really. And that makes the platitudes harder to bear.
R: They do, people want to help, all right? I want to help you, but I don't know what to do. Lizzie, I don't know what to say
L (thinks): How about, "Shit. Call in the professionals."

The Other Day... And Every Day

The main argument against suicide in "Stay" is that there's too much beauty in this world. And as I sit here today, I almost believe it. Sun is shining and the river is calm. Couples pass me by holding hands, grandparents accompany grandchildren, groups of friends take their walks to the nearest cafe for a lazy morning cup of coffee. And I can almost imagine myself being happy.
But I am on the other side. I sit here alone with another failure sitting on my shoulders. And a ray of sun that is burning the back of my neck is the bite of guilt for once more the fear got me knocked down. I couldn't take the idea of entering that room and feeling like the biggest, dumbest loser that I am when I find myself not being good enough again. Oh I know I've got no one to blame but myself but still I'll go on trying to make excuses for myself even though I know that the real reason is that I'm just not enough. Persistent enough, dedicated enough, smart enough, keen enough.
And I can't take it anymore. The sun may be shining but I feel like a black hole. And I only suck myself in.
I wish there was no tomorrow. It's such a perfect day. On the surface. And I wish it was the last one. So I didn't have to face the consequences.
A stupid photographer is taking a picture of me. I can only imagine what he sees. What he thinks he sees. A normal person sitting on a bench on the river bank, getting inspired by a beautiful day, writing sonnets to the sun. That's not me. They don't see me.
I could almost see the beauty of this world. But I'm only looking at it from the outside. I'm not a part of it. It's not my beauty.

Shoes

Shoes. New.
I can't do the words lately.
I'll be back. Hopefully.

Starvin' Marvin

OK, not Marvin. Me.
I am so hungry I could start crying. But if I eat now, at 6.35pm, I will feel so guilty it's not worth it. And it's so sad knowing I'm only doing it to fit the clothes I wore las summer.
It's depressing me.

ETA: Monday, 3 March 2008
Ha. Seems to me I've dropped my first pound. It's hard to say precisely since my scale is, naturally, in kilos but I'm pretty sure. Yay?