House

Monday night. Mom comes into the room.
I need you to tell me when House starts.
10.50. On Thursday.

Shrove Tuesday

Or so they call it in the UK, only there they eat pancakes and here we eat donuts. Also, here kids dress up in costumes and go from house to house, much like Halloween's trick-or-treating. Here it's traditionally done the day before the Lent starts on Ash Wednesday. Unfortunately, no one seems to know what day it should be done anymore so nowadays kids start dressing up from mid January so by the Shrove Tuesday we're all sick of them and usually just shut the door into their faces. Ha. It's always funny. Hey, if you don't know the day you should be doing it on, DON'T FUCKING DO IT!
Anyway, donuts. I'm not exactly a fan, but once a year I can eat 5 or 6 and then I'm good till next year. And here they are.

A

Well I'll be damned. I'm getting a final A in English Language Practice III. Ha. My grades are soooo for a B, but I guess someone finally took into consideration my partaking in classes. Unlike last year when all I got from the professor (a different one) was a sad look on her face and a I hope it'll be better next year. Like, she knew I was better than a B but couldn't do anything about it. Boo.
But an A! Yay! My second A! Woot woo! I really really didn't see it coming.

Just For Laughs

having sex lowers your immune system
i must be immune to everything then

So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar.
And the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
That struck a chord.
Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
But they're key to my humour.
And very noteworthy.

Hey wana hear a funny story?
yep
does it involve clowns and ninjas?
no.
Last wknd, me and sum mates were down at the pub, and we see this guy looking pretty pissed.
Anyway, we hadn't drunk much, so we decided to be good people and drive this guy home.
was he a clown/ninja?
So we helped him up, and he fell over. Then we tried dragging him out and he kept falling over.
So we drove him back to his place, and knocked on the door, and this woman answers (presumably his wife) and is all like: "Thanks boys, but where's his wheelchair?"

I hate when ppl say they gonna call and then they dont
You sound like a girl.
I am a girl
That explains it.

DS: I really enjoy translating :-)
translate this: <^>(-_-)<^>
well
let's tranlate it from japanese to english
<^>('_')<^>

why is it that they always make the stupidest person on a project team be the leader?
what are you in charge of now?

nfi
Whats nfi?
no fucking idea.
Well shut up then if you dont know

hey does anyone in here know how to get info on people via email addresses?
email them and ask them
oh, thx

I remember the dream vividly... I don't know how to express it :-(
My suggestion is to use words and phrases in English grammatical structure.

I have a life, I just don't do anything in it

Me too, my friend, me too.

Tired

I'm so tired. Of everything. I don't feel like living. There's no joy. Of any kind. Everything is always the same old, same old. So... colourless. So... uneventful. So... hopeless. As in no hope of improvement. I don't know why we bother. It's a series of problems that never ever ends. And what's the point? I am so uninterested. I don't care. I can't see why would I be getting up in the morning. I can't see why would I study. I can't see why would I even try. Whatever. I catch myself watching a movie and not even knowing what went on. I flip through channels all the time, i can't concentrate on anything. I turn music on and then find it annoying after 5 minutes so I turn it off. I chat to someone, say a sentence or two and leave. Bored, bored, bored. I begin to study and realise I can't keep my mind at it. It wanders away. I can't really sleep when I'm supposed to. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do. Nothing to do. Scrabble, trivia quizzes, minesweeper, spider solitaire... 5 minutes of my attention tops. Reading a book - putting it down every ten minutes to... what? Something, anything ELSE. drink water, go to the bathroom, turn computer on, turn computer off, turn TV on, turn TV off. I'm dying.

Disorder in the American Courts Re-Visited

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WIT NESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


And the best for last:
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Penis Related Junk-Mail

So now that one has this enormous bright and shiny new penis, one should do this: Make your own home sex video, and show off your new big schlong to the world. HERE .

Interested, anyone? If you are, please, link me to the video of you showing off your new big schlong in the comments. Thanks.