When I was 16 going on 17 we returned home. I never had a big circle of friends before, but somehow, in the next year I met a lot of people that had also returned home, just like we did, and we started hanging out. Suddenly I was out every Friday and Saturday with a group that varied from 8 to 15 people. And I loved it. The year between 17 and 18 has been the best year of my life. Suddenly, I mattered. people actually paid attention to me. I belonged. I had friends. I was one of them.
Then, my sister somehow started hanging out with us. My two and a half years younger sister. My gorgeous, friendly, charming baby sister. Before I knew it, she was the one that would get the text messages and I was the one tagging along. She was the one who started dating one of the guys, the one who confirmed her status in the group with that. I felt like I've been robbed. I felt like I've been kicked out. I didn't matter anymore. I was outshined.
One New Year's Eve we all went to a party as a group. Until it turned out that everyone had a pair except for me. After midnight all of my friends disappeared to make out or have sex or whatever, and I was left alone. I didn't want to go home because my Mom would ask about my sister and I couldn't say she was with her 5 years older boyfriend because it was a secret. So I sat at a bus station. In a dress. With my hair up. In high heels. In the early hours of the New year I sat at a bus station because all of my friends had abandoned me. The lowest point? A police car pulling over asking me if I was all right and if I needed a ride home.
Another memorable event was when a guy I liked, really liked, asked my sister to go out with him. And she considered it. It didn't matter how I felt, she was just trying to make that ex of hers jealous. At my expense.
Then she played match maker and set her best friend up with her boyfriend's best friend and slowly but steadily the group fell apart. I lost the best thing that I ever had because someone stole it away.
So yeah, I am needy. And I have issues.
The Internet came into my life bringing back that feeling of belonging. At WFW's I found a group of people that I had things in common with. People who laughed at my jokes. People who could cheer me up when I'd feel bad. People I shared things in my life with, easier than I could ever share them with people in real life. Once again, I belonged.
And then ~she~ (not my sister, obviously) showed up and swooped my friends away. Once again, I felt invisible and unimportant. When she shows up, everything revolves around her and no one talks to me anymore. And you know what? I don't need that. I really don't. So if I want to keep ONE PERSON just to myself, is that so horrible?
Call me a bad person. Call me a drama queen. Call me a bitch. I don't care. I just want to hold on to something for once and not lose it to a shinier new toy.
Then, my sister somehow started hanging out with us. My two and a half years younger sister. My gorgeous, friendly, charming baby sister. Before I knew it, she was the one that would get the text messages and I was the one tagging along. She was the one who started dating one of the guys, the one who confirmed her status in the group with that. I felt like I've been robbed. I felt like I've been kicked out. I didn't matter anymore. I was outshined.
One New Year's Eve we all went to a party as a group. Until it turned out that everyone had a pair except for me. After midnight all of my friends disappeared to make out or have sex or whatever, and I was left alone. I didn't want to go home because my Mom would ask about my sister and I couldn't say she was with her 5 years older boyfriend because it was a secret. So I sat at a bus station. In a dress. With my hair up. In high heels. In the early hours of the New year I sat at a bus station because all of my friends had abandoned me. The lowest point? A police car pulling over asking me if I was all right and if I needed a ride home.
Another memorable event was when a guy I liked, really liked, asked my sister to go out with him. And she considered it. It didn't matter how I felt, she was just trying to make that ex of hers jealous. At my expense.
Then she played match maker and set her best friend up with her boyfriend's best friend and slowly but steadily the group fell apart. I lost the best thing that I ever had because someone stole it away.
So yeah, I am needy. And I have issues.
The Internet came into my life bringing back that feeling of belonging. At WFW's I found a group of people that I had things in common with. People who laughed at my jokes. People who could cheer me up when I'd feel bad. People I shared things in my life with, easier than I could ever share them with people in real life. Once again, I belonged.
And then ~she~ (not my sister, obviously) showed up and swooped my friends away. Once again, I felt invisible and unimportant. When she shows up, everything revolves around her and no one talks to me anymore. And you know what? I don't need that. I really don't. So if I want to keep ONE PERSON just to myself, is that so horrible?
Call me a bad person. Call me a drama queen. Call me a bitch. I don't care. I just want to hold on to something for once and not lose it to a shinier new toy.
9 spoke back:
If it's me, forgive me. Not like I'd flatter myself by saying it's me. No one takes me seriously anyway. I mean i made a Twilight chatbox where i get 3 visitors, one of them being my cousin. How pathetic is that? Though, i do find myself overprotecting Van cuz now THEY ALL want to visit Portugal. *rolls eyes* Can't even have a friend to myself.
But this is not about me, it's about you. I'm sorry and thank you for sharing this because it gives me a side of you i don't usually see (and love to see). For some reason, and you don't know this or anyone, since i got your blog addy I've observed you and find that i understand you very much and relate. Weird, huh? You prob don't see it. It's tough to get emotions out of you. To read you sometimes. Or even to keep your interest. Yet, I get you. Which is why I'm still here. I could tell you want to belong. Because so do I. I would be the one sitting at a bus station. Difference is, i was at home in my room. Everyone else had the fun and the bf's and all the other shit that goes with life. My best time is now, actually. Online. I've never had people know me, the real me, till now. Even family.
But don't kid yourself. You're humorous, you're witty and you're smart and beautiful. I don't know how you come up with half the shit that comes out of your keyboard. You're interesting! I love to hear your opinion and anticipate it sometimes. Because of girls like you online i have literally opened myself up in a way i never really thought i had in me. I miss you and your chats (grammar corrections, and spelling bees, even). It's not the same. It's all not the same, really.
But what i meant to say (before i wrote this whole fucking story) is that this whole post is exactly the story of my life.
I have to say first I'm dying for names, but that's your business... ;-) Second, I don't know what's second. We probably all fit together so well because we all have the same experiences; all are probably outsiders in our own life. Sometimes, I'm on the outside looking in and it makes me sad. Other times I breathe a HUGE sigh of relief and think, "God I'm so happy! I could be like them!"
Anyway, I don't know if it helps but I'd choose you over a great number of people any day!
P.S.
Room is still open... ;-)
Neri, you always say the nicest things. I don't know why, but thank you.
I completely understand your desire to keep Van for yourself. That's exactly how I feel about Maichan. So when Fairy swirls in and grabs everyone to herself, I just want to keep one person for myself, you know? Because yes, I feel like I belong with you, guys, but only till she shows up. And it's not just me, even AJ said she noticed it. So yeah, DRAMA!
LOL, Nic, it's Fairy, OK? All and sundry know we don't get along, but Maichan really went and put her foot in it, so now I haver to go and explain myself. Which is OK, I guess, but I really preferred ignoring.
P.S. Someday I'm gonna take you up on that room, you know?
Krissie, first I want to say that I truly miss you. Even if it is to mock me over my twilight obsessions, lool.
Promise you'll be around WFW box more often, cuz you are truly missed there....and... *whisperes* Fairy doesn't go there anymore, lol!
For a moment I thought it was me you were speaking about, Cuz you always leave wfw box when I came, lately. And I thought I really anoyed you with all my Twilight talking. LOL maybe I really do.
Now, regarding the other issues, we feel most of our times alone and when we have someone we really like we want to keep he/her to our selves.
That exact same thing happened to me when my best girl friend, in high school, decided to couple up with other girls. She wasn't mine anymore...I felt so sad. I still talk to her from time to time.
I am sorry that your friends, back then, didn't see the amazing person you really are (even when you're teasing the shit out of me, AHAHahah). They'd know the awful mistake they'd done.
And your sister *rolls eyes* she should've know better how to put herself in your place and back the fuck up. Seriously. Some people really don't have what I call the "filter" to know what is like to be in the place of the other.
It's good to read more about you and see that, like the other girls mentioned, I too have a bit in common with you. And you need to tell yourself that maybe people love you more then you think, and I don't think I speak only for myself. You really are one of a kind and I wish you I could meet you in RL one day. I could read you Twilight, just for fun sake, AHahahah!
Meanwhile, I guess you could read some Twilight porn....its doing wonders to me. I have a pretty good story on my email, if you're interested ;)
And please stop by in cbox more often!
Oh Van, does it really seem like I leave when you come? Because I really don't! It's just that I hang out mostly at LJ now and there's always something going on there so it catches my attention and I wander off. You don't annoy me with your Twilight love - who else would I mock?! LOL Just please, no Twilight porn. *shudders*
What can i say? It must be the freaky Jesus love in me...'nice' just spills out by mistake sometimes *shrug* :-/
lmao.
This is nice thearpy, have to say. I think we should all spill the beans. Even if it gives us relief for a couple of days. i know yall need it.
btw, i bet you 5 cents (cuz that's all i got) that Fairy is trying to belong too. *shakes head*
people can hurt others sometimes without even noticing.
ps. Breaking news: Van's got a room for me too. I'm going to Port in August! woot! you heard it first.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA MEET!!!!!!!
I'm so happy for you!!!!!
"After midnight all of my friends disappeared to make out or have sex or whatever, and I was left alone."
I relate.It was a tram station for me though.
*pats Kris on the back*
Awesome experience, wasn't it? Something to bond over.
I'm not reading B/E het, though.
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