A NOTE: This post is inspired by two very separate things. One more recent is a class I had today in which a professor spoke of the term "author" and different ways a person defines himself or herself. The other one is a piece of fanfiction that I read a long time ago and that made me think of myself in terms of defining words.
Vocabulary is a story in which a 16 year old boy is given a sentence to finish for homework, a sentence that goes "I am ________ ." and he is only allowed to use one word to finish it. You don't have to read it, but I do recommend it. For the longest time I tried to come up with that one word. I couldn't do it. Instead, here's my list.
I AM:a female: I'm not saying "a girl" because I believe I outgrew it. I'm not saying "a woman" because I believe I have some serious amount of growing up to do before I can step into a woman's shoes. God help me, I'll quote Britney Spears:
Not a girl, not yet a woman. I am, however, a female, which in many ways determines not only the way I look at the world, but also the way the world looks at me. I am predetermined by nature to give birth, to be a mother. I have a brain that functions in a certain way, different than a man's. Being a female sets grounds for everything that comes next.
a daughter: I've been blessed with wonderful parents, even though they didn't always do a splendid job at raising me. But I am loved. And that is a lot.
a sister: It's the best. It's the worst. We have a bond that I am almost positive would never break. But nothing can tear me to pieces easier than one well aimed sentence form my sister's mouth. She knows all of my weak spots and she knows hot to hit each and every one perfectly. And the comparison never ceases. There's no getting away from
me vs. her-concept. Is she prettier than me? Is she smarter? Do they love her more? Is she more successful? And if so, am I therefore a failure? Does she makes me look like a loser? Is she
better than me?
a reader: I've been a reader since I can remember. The story says I learned to read at the age of 4 and I never stopped since. To be honest, I read a lot of really bad literature. But something worthwhile sneaks in from time to time. The best thing about reading is that even from crap you get to learn something. If it's merely a single new word, so be it - it's more than I knew yesterday. Do not judge me for what I read.
a student: This should make me feel good. But it doesn't. Every time I think of being a 2nd year student at the age of 27, I cringe. What the hell have I been doing with my life and what the hell do I think I'll be doing if I ever do get my degree? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. But it doesn't look good.
a quitter: Everything I ever started, everything I ever touched, everything I ever thought of doing, I gave up on. I gave up on friendships. I gave up on relationships (no matter how very few of those I even engaged into). I gave up on schooling. I gave up on jobs. I gave up on myself. Once my boss said to me: "I don't doubt you'll make it, you're determined enough." and I stared at him thinking: "You have no idea who I am, you don't know the first thing about me, and you couldn't be more wrong."
a Catholic: I'm not an active one. I don't go to Church, I don't pray. I believe in God but that's it. Yet, just by being born one, I have these beliefs that are ingrained into me, about heaven and hell and what is right and what is wrong (just so we're clear, I'm pretty sure I'm heading downwards). And don't even get me started on the Catholic guilt. Why is that the thing that sticks the most, is beyond me, but it's there, every step of the way.
a Croat: It's actually rather stupid to feel proud for being this nationality or that one, given that you're born one or another without any choice, but I am. I can't put my finger on it, on why I should feel proud, but every time I hear the national anthem, I tear up. Being a Croat also determines the way I see the world in a lot of way. I cannot not see it from my country's perspective. I cannot view things as an American or a Chinese. The culture I was brought up in helped building me into what I am.
a single: I am single because I have chosen not to commit to anyone. I have chosen not to give up on parts of myself to make room for someone else. I am single because I'm selfish. Or am I selfish because I
can be, since I have no one to make compromises for?
a fangirl: Yes, I am. I spend more time looking at pictures of this or that actor, watching films and shows that they're on, than doing anything that involves my family or is in any way benefitial for me. I can't explain why it is so important to me. But it's what I do and it makes me happy. And is for the most part a secret to the real world.
an online persona: More of them, actually. Each of you know some side of me that I let be seen. It allows me to be free in many ways. I can read what I want online. I can say what I want online - there will always be people who agree with me. I can spill my emotions to the screen and it's cathartic and it helps in dealing with the world. It also makes it harder because there's no
delete button in the real world. And it's messing with my mind. A lot.
And how do you define me? Seriously, I want to know. What is your word for me?
